My good friends, I’m running for president. Let me enumerate just a few of the many reasons why I deserve your vote. I am, above all, the candidate of change, much more so than my opponents; indeed, if elected, I will change everything that you, the American people, want changed, including any of my positions that I have already changed. Due to my wealth of experience, which is both unique and yet somehow universal, I will be ready to serve on Day One, and to protect the nation from the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad people who want to destroy our way of life because they are jealous of our freedoms, our 50-inch plasma TVs, and our very large food portions. You should know that my desperate yet selfless quest to be your president is very, very personal for me, and that I am, of course, a Christian who reads my Bible every night—not a Muslim, or a Mormon, or, God forbid, a Unitarian.

I promise to bring your job back from overseas, even if it hasn’t gone there yet, to build walls and dig moats at the border, to cut taxes, to provide universal health care, to preserve all of our government entitlements, and to balance the budget. I am firmly opposed to storing the nation’s nuclear waste at Yucca Mountain, or in any state that holds its primaries before, say, March. I promise to model my presidency on Ronald Reagan’s, because, like me, he had good hair and was an agent of change, or, if you prefer, on John F. Kennedy’s. Whichever. And please remember that by voting for me, you are also voting for yourself, your children, your gender, your race, your religion, and for unifying our great nation. Thank you.
- William Falk