What your World Cup team of choice says about you

If Team USA gets knocked out, you'll want a back-up

USA Fans
(Image credit: (Photo/Bebeto Matthews))

If you're an American, odds are you don't give a hoot about soccer and know next to nothing about the sport. (Hint: It's the game where hands are verboten and feigning death is encouraged.) But this is the World Cup, and no one wants to feel left out.

Supporting Team USA is your birthright, even if you don't know the difference between a red card and a yellow card. Supporting the nation of your ancestors is acceptable, too, since you can lay some claim to kinship.

But there will be plenty of games where USA won't be playing. And given that the red, white, and blue has a pretty poor chance of making it out of the first round, you'll need another team to root for.

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Here are some definitive truths about what sorts of people each squad attracts. For the casual fan, latching on to these sides means you:

Group A


Also root for the Yankees and the Heat.


Have a thing for underdogs that go deep in the tournament.


Get a perverse kick out of supporting America's fiercest regional nemesis.


Are a fan of stylish goal celebrations.


Group B


Enjoy endless passing.


Are a world-class soccer snob.


Prefer your soccer turned up to 11.


Saw Air Bud and mistakenly believe kangaroos can play soccer.


Group C


Want to remind everyone of the greatest hair in World Cup history.


Are a glutton for 0-0 draws.

Côte d'Ivoire

Bow down to Yaya Toure.


Have got Nate Silver beat.


Group D


Think the first World Cup was the best World Cup.

Costa Rica

Are unfazed by mutant insects, but petrified by snow.


Swing violently between triumphant dreams of glory to the humiliating realization of your mediocrity.


Prefer to communicate with your eyebrows and hands.


Group E


Are completely ambivalent about everyone and everything, including your own ambivalence.


Like to keep things simple.


Are still pining for the days of Lilian Thuram, Fabian Barthez, and Zinedine Zidane.


Can find a silver lining in a world-leading murder rate.


Group F


Believe wholeheartedly in cheating and divine intervention.

Bosnia and Herzegovina

Are a fan of first-timers.


Weirdly admire a team that takes the game seriously enough to dub its opponent the Great Satan.


Are a fan of Super Eagles as well as bald ones.


Group G


Are no fun at all.


Are thinking about Cristiano Ronaldo's abs right now and/or are Cristiano Ronaldo.


Live for American schadenfreude, or ignored the last two World Cups.

United States

Are a damn fine patriot.


Group H


Prefer your European soccer with a dash of Africa.


Just read The Stranger.


Are being monitored by the NSA.

South Korea

Are a Samsung shareholder.

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Jon Terbush

Jon Terbush is an associate editor at TheWeek.com covering politics, sports, and other things he finds interesting. He has previously written for Talking Points Memo, Raw Story, and Business Insider.