If you're an American, odds are you don't give a hoot about soccer and know next to nothing about the sport. (Hint: It's the game where hands are verboten and feigning death is encouraged.) But this is the World Cup, and no one wants to feel left out.
Supporting Team USA is your birthright, even if you don't know the difference between a red card and a yellow card. Supporting the nation of your ancestors is acceptable, too, since you can lay some claim to kinship.
But there will be plenty of games where USA won't be playing. And given that the red, white, and blue has a pretty poor chance of making it out of the first round, you'll need another team to root for.
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Here are some definitive truths about what sorts of people each squad attracts. For the casual fan, latching on to these sides means you:
Group A
Brazil
Also root for the Yankees and the Heat.
Croatia
Have a thing for underdogs that go deep in the tournament.
Mexico
Get a perverse kick out of supporting America's fiercest regional nemesis.
Cameroon
Are a fan of stylish goal celebrations.
**
Group B
Spain
Enjoy endless passing.
Netherlands
Are a world-class soccer snob.
Chile
Prefer your soccer turned up to 11.
Australia
Saw Air Bud and mistakenly believe kangaroos can play soccer.
**
Group C
Colombia
Want to remind everyone of the greatest hair in World Cup history.
Greece
Are a glutton for 0-0 draws.
Côte d'Ivoire
Bow down to Yaya Toure.
Japan
Have got Nate Silver beat.
**
Group D
Uruguay
Think the first World Cup was the best World Cup.
Costa Rica
Are unfazed by mutant insects, but petrified by snow.
England
Swing violently between triumphant dreams of glory to the humiliating realization of your mediocrity.
Italy
Prefer to communicate with your eyebrows and hands.
**
Group E
Switzerland
Are completely ambivalent about everyone and everything, including your own ambivalence.
Ecuador
France
Are still pining for the days of Lilian Thuram, Fabian Barthez, and Zinedine Zidane.
Honduras
Can find a silver lining in a world-leading murder rate.
**
Group F
Argentina
Believe wholeheartedly in cheating and divine intervention.
Bosnia and Herzegovina
Are a fan of first-timers.
Iran
Weirdly admire a team that takes the game seriously enough to dub its opponent the Great Satan.
Nigeria
Are a fan of Super Eagles as well as bald ones.
**
Group G
Germany
Are no fun at all.
Portugal
Are thinking about Cristiano Ronaldo's abs right now and/or are Cristiano Ronaldo.
Ghana
Live for American schadenfreude, or ignored the last two World Cups.
United States
Are a damn fine patriot.
**
Group H
Belgium
Prefer your European soccer with a dash of Africa.
Algeria
Just read The Stranger.
Russia
Are being monitored by the NSA.
South Korea
Are a Samsung shareholder.
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