The world's finest (fake) news sources
Other countries have answers to The Onion. And they're hilarious, too.
Wherever there's news, there's fake news.
That's why it shouldn't surprise you to hear that The Onion — and your very own GlobalPost— are far from the only websites turning international crises into LOLs. There are dozens of satire sites out there, rewriting current affairs, making the cynical snigger and duping the global gullible.
We took a tour of recent headlines to bring you our pick of the bunch. Here, courtesy of 10 of the world's finest news sources, is what definitely hasn't been happening.
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1. Australia: The Shovel
"Australia to adopt slightly different version of New Zealand's new flag"
Australia will wait to see what New Zealand comes up with for its new flag, and then adopt it itself, just with different colored stars... 'Sounds easy, so yeah, let's do it. I guess,' said one Australian worker after learning of his country's plans. [The Shovel]
Full story here.
2. Ireland: Waterford Whispers News
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"Post Paddy's Day come down expected to last the rest of the week"
Figures obtained by WWN suggest as many as 80 percent of those in the workforce will becoming down from some combination of alcohol, ketamine, LSD, the 'craic' and actual crack. [Waterford Whispers News]
Full story here.
3. Germany: Der Postillon
"In Bunker wartender Mann fordert Westen zu mehr Härte gegen Putin auf"
Translation: Man waiting in nuclear bunker urges West to take a harder line on Putin.
"At the end of the day, nuclear weapons are there to be used wisely. Much like a very expensive nuclear bunker that you've spent years building." [Der Postillon]
Full story here.
4. Canada: The Lapine
"Tar Sands renamed 'Happy Sands' by oil industry"
"This name more accurately reflects all the smiles that our oil brings to faces," said David Collyer, President of the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers (CAPP) today at a media conference. "The public has criticized us in the past, but I think it was the whole Tar name really." [The Lapine]
Full story here.
5. South Africa: The Gatsby
"When criticism gets me down, I like to get away to the awesome man cave you bought me — By J.G. Zuma"
As the president of a country you do your best, you keep your head down, you work hard... but then haters will suddenly just rip into you for no apparent reason! ... So when it just gets too much, when it feels like I just want to give up and pack it all in, that's when I like to get away and spend some 'me time' at the lavish retreat I own that you paid for with your tax money. [The Gatsby]
Full story here.
6. UK: The Daily Mash
"UK most at risk from sexy women, says GCHQ"
After it emerged that GCHQ had been harvesting explicit webcam images, the [intelligence] agency revealed terrorists are most likely to have non-surgically augmented DD or EE breasts and low inhibitions. [The Daily Mash]
Full story here.
7. France: Le Gorafi
"Les Français impatients de voter pour le parti qu'ils détestent le moins"
Translation: "French keen to vote for party they hate least."
Nearly eight out of 10 French people reveal a certain enthusiasm ahead of the first round of municipal elections this weekend. Asked "Why are you voting?", almost all those surveyed answered: "So that the least terrible candidate wins." [Le Gorafi]
Full story here.
8. India: Faking News
"Manmohan Singh not picking up Putin's call to clear his stand on Crimea problem"
"Our foreign policy has always been about not taking any stand, and we are committed to continue the same policy," said Salman Khurshid, Minister of the Ministry of External Affairs. "Manmohan Ji is a bit shy of talking, but this time his silence is a well-thought-of strategy." [Faking News]
Full story here.
8. Middle East: The Pan-Arabia Enquirer
"Relief among Saudi parents-to-be as 'Dave' escapes banned baby names list"
"As soon as we heard authorities were banning 50 names, we immediately feared we wouldn't be allowed to call our new baby Dave," said Dave Al-Fakhee in Damman. "I come from a long line of Daves and my five other children are all called Dave. It's a family tradition." [The Pan-Arabia Enquirer]
Full story here.
9. Spain: El Mundo Today
"Para bailar La Bamba se necesitarà la autorización expresa de la autoridad comptente"
Translation: "Dancing La Bamba will now require the express permission of the relevant authority."
Having confirmed that 70 percent of public sector employees devote themselves to dancing La Bamba, the government has decided to increase the requirements to perform this dance beyond having "a little bit of grace and another little thing." [El Mundo Today]
Full story here.
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This article, by Jessica Phelan, originally appeared at GlobalPost.