Good week, Bad week

Good week for:

Asking Google anything, after new research revealed that users conduct1,000 monthly searches for “how to hide a dead body,” 1,900 searches for “how to get away with murder,” and 40,500 for “why did I get married?”

Taking a stand for sugar, after White House executive pastry chef Bill Yosses resigned, largely out of frustration over Michelle Obama’s order that he make healthier desserts. “I don’t want to demonize cream, butter, sugar, and eggs,” Yosses said.

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Misanthropes, with the unveiling of a new app called Cloak that alerts users when designated ex-lovers, ex-friends, or other undesirable individuals are nearby, so they can be avoided.

Bad week for:

Persistence, after a California woman who was about to take her driving test for the third time accidentally hit the accelerator instead of the brake, crashed into the DMV office, and ruptured a gas line, causing several nearby buildings to be evacuated.

Identity theft, after two Georgia men pleaded guilty to filling in a tax return with the name and social security number of U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder, in the hope of getting his refund. “Identity theft affects people from all walks of life,” said an official.

Faith, after devotees of recently deceased Indian holy man Ashutosh Maharaj put his corpse in a commercial freezer, confident their guru was in a particularly deep state of meditation. “He is not dead,” said a follower. “Medical science does not understand things like yogic science.”