Good week for:
Having followers, after Washington Capitals forward Joel Ward used Twitter to call for help when he found himself locked in a bathroom stall on game day. “Stuck in the washroom...someone help?” he tweeted, before being rescued.
Dick Cheney, who was roasted at a gathering of old Bush administration allies, with waterboarding jokes dominating the evening. It was, said one attendee, “a very sentimental night.”
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Big government, after Michigan legislators introduced a bill mandating that every tavern selling “pints” of beer actually include 16 ounces of beer, instead of a smaller amount in a glass shaped like a pint glass. “It’s a truth-in-advertising issue,” said a sponsor.
Bad week for:
American exceptionalism, after U.S. adults scored below the international average in a test of math, reading, and problem-solving skills. Twelve countries, including Canada, Australia, Sweden, and Slovakia, scored higher than the U.S. in all three areas.
Humanity, after a Russian defense official boasting about his country’s sophisticated air defense systems admitted they could not repel all possible invasions. “We are unfortunately not ready to fight extraterrestrial civilizations,” Sergey Berezhnoy told reporters.
Sinners, after Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann told a talk radio host that President Obama’s decision to send arms to some Syrian rebels—whom she called “terrorists”—proved he was on al Qaida’s side and was a sign “we are in God’s end times.” She added, “Maranatha, come Lord Jesus, his day is at hand.”
