The Boston Red Sox beards: A semi-factual guide to the team's best facial hair styles

Like modern day Samsons, the Red Sox derive power from their renowned hair

Boston Red Sox
(Image credit: (Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images))

The Boston Red Sox are going to the American League Championship Series — and so, too, are their beards.

Most members of the team sprouted beards on a whim this year, turning an impromptu idea into a bizarre bonding exercise that has come to define the team and its season. The beards grew longer and weirder as the year wore on, with some going where beards have never gone before.

Here, a sampling of the best beards:

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Mike Napoli

Beard Style: The Duck Dynasty

Description: Untamed, free-flowing. Functions as both a duck blind and natural duck habitat.

Jonny Gomes

Beard Style: Dueling Muttonchops

Description: Each follicle is an accomplished banjo player. Occasionally sneaks away to drink whiskey by moonlight on a pond somewhere deep in Appalachia.

Dustin Pedroia

Beard Style: The Ulysses S. Grant

Description: Stately, timeless, presidential. Antonym: Dustin Pedroia.

John Lackey

Beard Style: Front Mullet

Description: Business in the front, party on the sides. Looks worse the longer it grows. Cannot be paired with shirtsleeves.

Shane Victorino

Beard Style: Hawaiian Gerrymander

Description: Random, snaking tendrils. Designed to maximize weight of the chin while minimizing heft of the cheeks. May have caused government shutdown.

David Ross

Beard Style: Old Man in the Mountchin

Description: Steel wool dipped in house paint. Also known as "Ol' Skunktail."

Ryan Dempster

Beard Style: The Craig Breslow

Description: Neat, close-shorn. Most commonly found on: New dads, Just For Men models, Craig Breslows.

Craig Breslow

Beard Style: The Ryan Dempster

Description: Neat, close-shorn. Most commonly found on: Brooklyn faux intellectuals, JCPenney's catalog models, Ryan Dempsters.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia

Beard Style: The Interrobang

Description: Like his name, the beard is both a question and an exclamation.

Mike Carp

Beard Style: The Ahab

Description: Scraggly, sea-faring. Maddeningly fixated on the whale — the whale! The damn, white whale!

David Ortiz

Beard Style: The Tetris

Description: Fastidiously geometric, high-scoring. Grows increasingly faster as season progresses. Rumored cheat codes never proven true.

Stephen Drew

Beard Style: The Goldilocks

Description: Not too long, not too short. Not too neat, not too shaggy. Affinity for porridge, naps, bears.

Will Middlebrooks

Beard Style: The Nothing to See Here

Description: Standard scruff. Doubles as medium grit (P60-80) sandpaper. Variation on "The Meh Cop."

Clay Buchholz

Beard Style: The Wooly Willy

Description: Patchy,magnetized. Shaving requires no razor, only a brisk shake or small polarized wand.

Jon Lester

Beard Style: The Dirty Lincoln

Description: Chinstrap gone awry. Brilliant orator of uncouth tales. Enjoys disrupting operas with armpit farts.

Jacoby Ellsbury

Beard Style: The Best Supporting Actor

Description: Adds seriousness to the baby-faced. Known to coo, "Hey, girl," at passersby. Had a cameo in Argo.

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