Good week, Bad week

Good week for:

Everyone on Earth, after archaeologists found ancient Mayan calculations that indicate the world will last at least another 7,000 years, rather than end when a calendar cycle concludes in December. “It’s like the odometer of a car,” said anthropologist Anthony Aveni. “The Maya just start over.”

Attending your own funeral, after Hamdi Hafez al-Nubi, a 28-year-old Egyptian, was declared dead but regained consciousness at his funeral. He celebrated with other attendees.

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Fighting injustice, after Bill Wisth of Wisconsin picketed a restaurant that asked him to leave its all-you-can-eat fish fry when he had 12 filets. “It’s false advertising,” said the 350-pound Wisth. “We asked for more fish, and they refused to give us more fish.”

Bad week for:

Butt dials, after a report found that 3.9 million calls, or 40 percent of total calls, to New York City’s 911 response system in 2010 came from inadvertent cellphone dials.

Morons, after the police department in Fort Lee, N.J., responded to a growing number of pedestrian injuries and deaths by issuing tickets with $85 fines for texting while jaywalking. In one month, 117 tickets have been issued.

Head banging, after Mikael Akerfeldt, lead singer of Swedish death metal band Opeth, had to cancel a show in Minnesota when he cracked open his head on the tour bus while trying to retrieve fresh underwear from his suitcase. Akerfeldt told fans: “Wish the story was more rock and roll, believe me.”