Opinion

An all-purpose apology

Ready? Bring in the media

William Falk

Since political sex scandals now erupt every few months, I am offering, as a public service, the following all-purpose apology, to be clipped and saved for those occasions when lies will no longer do. I have helpfully provided some alternative phrasing that should cover virtually any circumstance. Ready? Bring in the media.

Some time ago, I suffered a severe lapse of judgment that led me to:

(a) have an inappropriate relationship with an intern who said I was "hot"
(b) tickle hunky young members of my staff until they cried
(c) take a wide stance
(d) impregnate our nanny

For this, I take full responsibility, and apologize to:

(a) my wife
(b) my children (both legitimate and out of wedlock)
(c) my constituents
(d) and all Americans, living and dead

I am not resigning at this time, until I see what hard evidence turns up, but I do take full responsibility for:

(a) my sins
(b) my sex addiction
(c) being such an incredible effing moron

I am now:

(a) checking into a cushy rehab in Malibu
(b) embarking on a deeply spiritual journey of self-discovery and contrition
(c) arranging for a castration
(d) hiring the most ruthless lawyers and damage-control specialists I can find

While I do so, please respect my family’s privacy. It’s no excuse, but I engaged in this lapse of judgment because:

(a) when "Mr. Happy" becomes enthused, it cuts off blood flow to my brain
(b) I feel so passionately about my country that I needed to blow off some steam
(c) I have such great pecs
(d) I am a creepy old horndog

I take full responsibility for that. In conclusion, may I ask you to join me in praying for:

(a) my soul
(b) any woman who comes within 10 feet of me
(c) an even more lurid sex scandal, so that you’ll forget about this one

Thank you.

William Falk

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