Lisa Niemi without Patrick Swayze

Lisa Niemi is learning to live without Patrick Swayze, says Lori Berger in Redbook. Swayze, her husband of 34 years, died of pancreatic cancer in September, and his loss is just now sinking in. “There are a lot of firsts these days that I am experiencing without Patrick,” she says, “and those make me miss him the most. The smallest things can trigger it—coming home to the house for the first time alone, the holidays. It’s going to take time to adjust to every one.” Though Swayze lived for almost two years after his initial diagnosis, Niemi was still unprepared for his death. “Looking back, all the sadness and grief that had come before he passed away now looks like an intellectual concept. The kind of grief I experienced after he was gone was literally on a cellular level. It’s something deep inside that you have no control over.” Every day, she is surprised by his absence. “I recently went to a birthday party, and it was my first outing alone. When I got home and Patrick wasn’t there, I kept telling myself, He’s on location; that’s why he’s not here. I wanted to pick up the phone and hear his voice. I can still feel the contour of his hand in mine.”

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