Editor's Letter
My good friends, I’m running for president. Let me enumerate just a few of the many reasons why I deserve your vote. I am, above all, the candidate of change, much more so than my opponents; indeed, if elected, I will change everything that you, the Ameri
My good friends, I’m running for president. Let me enumerate just a few of the many reasons why I deserve your vote. I am, above all, the candidate of change, much more so than my opponents; indeed, if elected, I will change everything that you, the American people, want changed, including any of my positions that I have already changed. Due to my wealth of experience, which is both unique and yet somehow universal, I will be ready to serve on Day One, and to protect the nation from the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad people who want to destroy our way of life because they are jealous of our freedoms, our 50-inch plasma TVs, and our very large food portions. You should know that my desperate yet selfless quest to be your president is very, very personal for me, and that I am, of course, a Christian who reads my Bible every night—not a Muslim, or a Mormon, or, God forbid, a Unitarian.
I promise to bring your job back from overseas, even if it hasn’t gone there yet, to build walls and dig moats at the border, to cut taxes, to provide universal health care, to preserve all of our government entitlements, and to balance the budget. I am firmly opposed to storing the nation’s nuclear waste at Yucca Mountain, or in any state that holds its primaries before, say, March. I promise to model my presidency on Ronald Reagan’s, because, like me, he had good hair and was an agent of change, or, if you prefer, on John F. Kennedy’s. Whichever. And please remember that by voting for me, you are also voting for yourself, your children, your gender, your race, your religion, and for unifying our great nation. Thank you.
- William Falk
Subscribe to The Week
Escape your echo chamber. Get the facts behind the news, plus analysis from multiple perspectives.

Sign up for The Week's Free Newsletters
From our morning news briefing to a weekly Good News Newsletter, get the best of The Week delivered directly to your inbox.
From our morning news briefing to a weekly Good News Newsletter, get the best of The Week delivered directly to your inbox.
A free daily email with the biggest news stories of the day – and the best features from TheWeek.com
-
See the bright lights from these 7 big-city hotels
The Week Recommends Immerse yourself in culture, history and nightlife
-
Scientists want to regrow human limbs. Salamanders could lead the way.
Under the radar Humans may already have the genetic mechanism necessary
-
Seven wild discoveries about animals in 2025
In depth Mice have Good Samaritan tendencies and gulls work in gangs
-
The JFK files: the truth at last?
In The Spotlight More than 64,000 previously classified documents relating the 1963 assassination of John F. Kennedy have been released by the Trump administration
-
The end of empathy
Opinion Elon Musk is gutting the government — and our capacity for kindness
-
'Seriously, not literally': how should the world take Donald Trump?
Today's big question White House rhetoric and reality look likely to become increasingly blurred
-
The Project 2025 presidency
Opinion Trump's blueprint for dismantling public services
-
Born this way
Opinion 'Born here, citizen here' is the essence of Americanism
-
Will Trump's 'madman' strategy pay off?
Today's Big Question Incoming US president likes to seem unpredictable but, this time round, world leaders could be wise to his playbook
-
Unprepared for a pandemic
Opinion What happens if bird flu evolves to spread among humans?
-
Failed trans mission
Opinion How activists broke up the coalition gay marriage built