The hilarious names of the 2018 Kentucky Derby horses, ranked

What's in a name? Well, for us casual thrice-a-year fans of horse racing who are only just now starting to pay attention to Saturday's Kentucky Derby, the answer is basically "everything." Rather than slog through the mental calculus involved in determining whether Justify's first-place finish at the Santa Anita Derby is enough to overcome Apollo's Curse, wouldn't you rather just make a snap judgment based on his name?

As we did last year (and the year before that), The Week offers you the Kentucky Derby odds, determined solely based on the quality of each horse's name.

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Odds based on name alone: 75/1

Actual odds: 8/1

Analysis: You might be shocked to learn this horse is not in fact owned by Amazon but instead takes its name from football, when a quarterback changes the play call at the line of scrimmage. That hasn't stopped Amazon from obnoxiously being all over this colt, though. The company has set up a webpage to support Audible, promising users that if he wins, "everyone will get a free download of American Pharoah," and "the Audible.com logo is visible on the horse's training blanket" as part of the sponsorship, the Louisville Courier Journal writes. Let this be a lesson to us all: Nothing bleeds the fun out of sports like a terrible corporate sponsorship!

Combatant

Odds based on name alone: 50/1

Actual odds: 50/1

Analysis: Combatant gets a participation trophy for at least trying to be something memorable and intimidating, although the end result is about as generic a name as something like "Gladiator" or "Fighter." Surprisingly, this is the only vaguely war-related name in the bunch (at least if you don't count the Navy-inspired Lone Sailor), while last year's Run of the Roses represented everything from Irish War Cry to Battle of Midway. Combatant doesn't exactly have the same oomph as those names though, and without any sort of modifier to give it flavor, it sits at a dull second-to-last in this year's ranking.

Noble Indy

Odds based on name alone: 50/1

Actual odds: 30/1

Analysis: Noble Indy is a classically named racehorse, taking its name from its sire, Take Charge Indy, and its dam, Noble Maz. To be fair, "Noble Indy" is the better combination of the two — "Take Charge Maz" is 100 percent worse. With ancestors like Triple Crown winner Seattle Slew, Lady Take Charge, Weekend Surprise, Illusive Note, Storm Cat, and Dixieland Band, though, you can't help but wonder if the owners could have taken the liberty of breaking tradition and going back to those roots when naming Noble Indy. Illusive Surprise? Seattle Storm? Dixieland Lady? Surely there was something better.

Vino Rosso

Odds based on name alone: 45/1

Actual odds: 12/1

Analysis: You know what's even classier than red wine? Red wine … in Italian. Vino Rosso is sort of the horse equivalent of suburban dads who call their houses Casa de Smith or Villa Roberts in order to sweeten the fact that no, you live in Hoboken. The co-owners reportedly wanted to give a nod to their shared Italian heritage with "Vino Rosso," and the Kentucky Derby's Tales from the Crib blog adds that they felt it was "an apt description for a mellow colt bred to be better with age and maturity." Why not go all in, though, if we're playing this game? Come si dice mint julep?

Instilled Regard

Odds based on name alone: 40/1

Actual odds: 50/1

Analysis: Instilled Regard is "a phrase that represents an attitude toward life," owner Larry Best claims, "of having respect for all the competition and a desire to wish them well." There is a certain straight-laced seriousness to the words "instilled" and "regard," though, that comes off like the coach instructing his little leaguers to shake hands after a game while the kids surreptitiously spit on their hands. This is a horse race, for goodness sake. It's 2018, we have watch-sized computers and missions to Mars and meal replacement superbeverages and people are still wearing funny hats to horse races and naming the animals things like Instilled Regard. Lighten up.

Solomini

Odds based on name alone: 35/1

Actual odds: 30/1

Analysis: Justin Zayat, the CEO of Racing and Bloodstock, is a man who respects a good name. "We try to give the horses names that are marketable and fun to say," he told The Washington Post. Most of the time, he knocks it out of the park: There's his 3-year-old, Presidential Oath, Key to the Nile, and of course the endearingly misspelled Triple Crown winner American Pharaoh. Solomini is another horse in his possession, although his name is a bit of a bust, particularly from such a creative stable. Solomini is named for Zayat's nephew, Solomon; "We called him Solomini, like mini Solomon," said Zayat. It just doesn't quite work.

Enticed

Odds based on name alone: 30/1

Actual odds: 30/1

Analysis: "Entice" is a fantastic word, but something about its past-tense form here makes this name blunt and final, shutting down the imagination. To be enticed is to have been already tempted, rather than experiencing the ongoing allure, attraction, and potential energy of enticing. Of course, Enticing isn't much of a name for a horse, although it's been used as an adjective for several: Enticing Evening, Enticing Lady, even So Enticing. Perhaps Enticed could have even given his dam, It's Tricky, a nod with his name — It's Enticing would be a great name for a horse.

Free Drop Billy

Odds based on name alone: 25/1

Actual odds: 30/1

Analysis: Free Drop Billy is actually an enormous troll, which makes this name kind of fantastic, in a sense. Stable chairman Dennis Albaugh inflicted the thoroughbred with the name after warning his golf partner, Bill Collins, to quit taking "free drops" instead of penalties when he hit his balls into water hazards on the course. "I said, 'You do that again and I'm going to name a horse after you,'" Albaugh recalled. If Free Drop Billy earns immortality by winning the Derby, then one Mr. Collins will be really sorry about those free drops.

My Boy Jack

Odds based on name alone: 20/1

Actual odds: 30/1

Analysis: This is one of those horse-named-after-a-friend-of-the-owner stories that isn't really worth getting into: On the surface, though, it's a grand ol' name. My Boy Jack gets the job done. You can always count on My Boy Jack. After work, I crack a cold one open with My Boy Jack. Just by saying his name, you feel a cozy sort of kinship with (My Boy) Jack. He might not be anything flashy, but hey, he's reliable. He's yours. Plus there would be something especially satisfying about pointing out My Boy Jack if he were to win.

Magnum Moon

Odds based on name alone: 20/1

Actual odds: 6/1

Analysis: Magnum Moon is another classic horse name, taking its model from the sire Malibu Moon. There is something rather gummy about the alliteration and stressed syllables of Magnum Moon, though, that seems to be a little mucky for a racehorse. This name sits in the middle of the pack because it's catchy enough to potentially be in the money, although something about it just gets tangled up in the mouth. Malibu Moon's other colt also has a lunar name that worked out much better than Magnum's seems destined to; Orb won the 2013 Kentucky Derby.

Hofburg

Odds based on name alone: 15/1

Actual odds: 20/1

Analysis: Hofburg is the horse in the race that reminds you that fabulously wealthy owners are naming these animals. There isn't much more to Hofburg than that he is named after the imperial palace of Vienna. Why Hofburg specifically, though? Because "he is all class and beauty," Leif Aaron of Juddmonte Farms' Kentucky division told the Louisville Courier Journal. Unfortunately, this name misses the obvious pun (Hoofburg, come on!) and class and beauty can't win you the Garland of Roses.

Good Magic

Odds based on name alone: 15/1

Actual odds: 12/1

Analysis: Presumably this horse's name is a play on the opposite of dark magic, although the result makes it sound like the highest compliment someone could come up with is that it's, you know, pretty okay. A horse with "Magic" in its name is a promising thing, though, despite it not being named something like Flawless Magic, Stellar Magic, or hey, even Could Be Magic. Really, anything would be an improvement — even Mediocre Magic at least has a better ring.

Mendelssohn

Odds based on name alone: 12/1

Actual odds: 5/1

Analysis: This horse loses a few spots for not going all in on the name and being called Jakob Ludwig Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy (alas,you get just 18 characters). Still, you don't need "Ludwig" thrown in there to make Mendelssohn a mouthful. Let's face it: Being named after a 19th century German composer is maaaaaybe not the sexiest horse name imaginable.

Bravazo

Odds based on name alone: 8/1

Actual odds: 50/1

Analysis: In Peruvian Spanish, bravazo means "awesome," a nod to this horse's sire, Awesome Again. When shouted at the racetrack, though, Bravazo sounds much like bravo, which is exactly the type of thing you hope to be yelling if you've placed a bet on this colt. Bravazo is additionally a name that is surprisingly smooth despite the heaviness of the consonants, with an open O at the end that can gallop off into the bedlam. A sturdy, safe choice.

Flameaway

Odds based on name alone: 8/1

Actual odds: 30/1

Analysis: This is not the only fire-related name in the 2018 Kentucky Derby, but it is the inferior one. Flameaway sounds more like the name of an off-brand fire extinguisher than it does the title of a respectable racehorse. It is the unfortunate Frankenstein's monster of dam Flame of Tara and one of the owner's favorite horses, Triple Crown-winner Whirlaway. At least the image it conjures is a little faster than its synonym, Flame Retardant.

Bolt d'Oro

Odds based on name alone: 5/1

Actual odds: 8/1

Analysis: Bolt d'Oro was almost named "Alvin," but thankfully his owner — Alvin "Mick" Ruis — had already used that name on a different horse and forgotten, Sports Illustrated reports. Because racehorse names have to follow very specific rules, Ruis was left searching for another name and landed on The Notorious One, "but that was trademarked by Conor McGregor," said Aidan Green, the wife of Bolt d'Oro's trainer, Ike Green. Bolt d'Oro, then, borrows the first half of his name from the world's fastest man, Usain Bolt, with the latter half a tip-of-the-hat to the sire, Medaglia d'Oro. The resulting name is several steps up from Alvin, but a considerable disappointment when you consider he was almost named The Notorious One.

Justify

Odds based on name alone: 5/1

Actual odds: 3/1

Analysis: If Justify is to win the Kentucky Derby, he will have to overcome Apollo's Curse, although bookies obviously believe that won't be a problem. For our purposes — which involve completely disregarding any real world facts or supernatural destinies — Justify would finish just out of the money thanks to his name, which is a little more Microsoft Word than it is chivalrous and knightly. WinStar Farm president Elliott Walden told the Louisville Courier Journal: "We think [the name's] important. We look at it like, 'If this horse wins the Kentucky Derby, would this be a cool name? I don't want 'Jim Bob's Corvette.'" First of all, Jim Bob's Corvette is a great name for a horse. Secondly, can we pause to appreciate the name of Justify's damsire, Ghostzapper?

Firenze Fire

Odds based on name alone: 3/1

Actual odds: 50/1

Analysis: It is the perennial tension in naming a racehorse: Do you go for class, or for intimidation? While the correct answer is to always go the third route — for the joke — Firenze Fire is the happy medium between the first two options. The name takes the sophistication of Florence, Italy, and blends it with the elemental destruction of fire, which devours everything in its path. The name might also be interpreted as a nod to the bonfire of the vanities in Florence in 1497, when the supporters of Girolamo Savonarola incinerated objects that might tempt sin. In fact the real story is a lot more prosaic: "At the time we named the horse, Tom Hanks was premiering the movie Inferno, which was filmed in Florence," owner Ron Lombardi told the Louisville Courier Journal.

Lone Sailor

Odds based on name alone: 5/2

Actual odds: 50/1

Analysis: Lone Sailor is the kind of name that makes you picture a horse set apart from the rest — a whole stretch ahead, or behind, the pack. You'd be right to wager on the former, though: Lone Sailor's name is a tip of the hat to his recently departed owner, Tom Benson, the former owner of the New Orleans Saints. Benson served on the USS South Dakota in World War II, and Fox 8 reports he was the "lone sailor" on deck to raise his hand when a captain asked the enlisted crew, "Can anyone here type?" What is being asked of Lone Sailor — winning the Kentucky Derby — is of course a harder skill to come by than a typist on a naval vessel. Still, he has been gifted a name that sets him well apart.

Promises Fulfilled

Odds based on name alone: 2/1

Actual odds: 30/1

Analysis: Horse owners are not the most imaginative lot, often naming their thoroughbreds after family members or friends (remember the disaster that was Brody's Cause?). Promises Fulfilled's origin is, well, rather cheesy: "I was thinking about family," owner Bob Baron told the Times Union, never an auspicious start. "Geez, it was our wedding anniversary. I thought, 'We have lived up to the promises we made to each other all these years." Thus: Promises Fulfilled. Despite his best efforts, though, Baron had ended up with a terrifically named horse: Promises Fulfilled is a timeless name with a whiff of destiny, and an unintentional echo of Robert Frost: I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep. Promises Fulfilled is not just a threat like Combatant or a glorious blaze like Flameaway or Bolt d'Oro: It is a conclusion, the hoof across the finish line, the happily ever after that you saw coming from one and a quarter miles away.