Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Stephen Colbert explains how Jeff Bezos could use Amazon's MGM purchase to get revenge on Trump

"President Biden will have his first one-on-one meeting with Vladimir Putin on June 16," Jimmy Fallon said on Tuesday's Tonight Show. "It's s nice reminder that after a year in quarantine, you're gonna have to see some people you don't like." In happier news, he said, "half of all adults in the U.S. are now fully vaccinated. That's right, half of America is vaccinated, while the other half uses Facebook."

"The White House announced today that the U.S. has officially vaccinated 50 percent of its adult population," Late Night's Seth Meyer said, "and they expect that by the end of September, they will have vaccinated the other 7 or 8 percent."

Stephen Colbert's top COVID-19 news was, once again, the imminent return of his Late Show audience, a development so important it merited a mention in Politico's Playbook, though "they ran it with a small typo." His audience will not be "anti-Semitic," he assured everyone. "I'm not sure where this came from, but I'll check with our new publicist, Marjorie Taylor Greene."

Colbert described Greene as "a QAnon-believing professional troll whose only motivation is making people talk about her," then spent the next few minutes talking about her terrible Holocaust analogy.

"In rich people news," Jeff Bezos is reportedly in talks to buy MGM for $9 billion, Colbert said, giving Amazon "a treasure trove of show-biz titles, including the James Bond franchise. First up, changing Die Another Day to Die in Two Days Free With Amazon Prime!"

"Why would one of the world's richest men pay almost twice the value for a struggling movie studio that recently went bankrupt?" Colbert asked. Well, "all the outtakes from The Apprentice are owned by MGM," and if the reports are true that Bezos' nemesis, former President Donald Trump, said horribly racist things in those outtakes, "someday soon Bezos may release the most racist thing in the MGM catalog, other than Gone With the Wind." He suggested Bezos "release it all on Amazon Prime as the follow-up to Fleabag, D-Bag."

Jimmy Kimmel recounted in detail his most recent "squabble with the Senate's least-favorite senator, Ted Cruz." He conceded he probably started it by saying Cruz, "Trump's Theon Greyjoy," had no standing to call the U.S. Army "emasculated." "Anyway, apparently I was mean to Ted and he's very upset," Kimmel said, "and if history is any indication, he's so upset that means he'll be washing my car this weekend."