Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Jimmy Fallon and Stephen Colbert cheer the new Juneteenth holiday, jeer the 14 congressmen who voted against it

Today, President Biden "signed the Juneteenth National Independence Day Act, making Juneteenth a federal holiday," Jimmy Fallon said on Thursday's Tonight Show. "The bill hit Biden's desk after it was passed in Congress, but 14 members of the House voted against it." He showed a picture of the 14 GOP lawmakers. "That looks like the white paint sample section at Home Depot," Fallon said. "'What do you think, honey? Should we paint the bathroom Mike Rogers or Thomas Massie?'"

"Juneteenth commemorates June 19, 1865, the day the last group of enslaved people in America learned about the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation, that had taken place two and a half years earlier," Stephen Colbert said on The Late Show. "Then, it only took 156 more years until the idea finally reached Washington that maybe we should celebrate this." 

"The bill got unanimous support in the Senate," but 14 House Republicans voted no, Colbert said. "I wonder if those representatives have anything in common? Ah yes, it's the SPF 700 Club. These congressmen had a number of objections for the bill, ranging from stupid to dumb," like that it will make Americans choose between Juneteenth and July 4. "Let's be real, Americans have their differences, but we hold these truths to be self-evident: We take every opportunity to eat and drink to excess," he said. "For Pete's sake, we mainline margaritas and nachos on Cinco de Mayo for Mexican independence day, and we're not even Mexican, and it's not even their independence day!"

The heatwave broiling the West "is especially dangerous for Texans because their power grid is fragile," Colbert said, and Gov. Greg Abbott is escaping the heat by redirecting $250 million in state funds to a Texas border wall. "What a wise use of taxpayer money — you wouldn't want to waste it on something stupid like shoring up their candy-candy power grid,"  he deadpanned.

"Maybe the wall is to keep Ted Cruz from fleeing to Mexico next time there's an emergency," Jimmy Kimmel suggested on Kimmel Live. Texas is risking its No. 8 most-fun-state ranking because Abbott is insisting on this "brand-new way to kiss Donald Trump's orange bottom."

On a related note, Osama bin Laden's niece was holding a "Trump Won" flag while protesting Biden in Europe, The Late Show noted in an elaborate Manson joke. Watch below.