Speed Reads

Late Night Tackles President Trump

If you're Trump's alleged love child, Trevor Noah has bad news for you, but Jimmy Kimmel sees good fortune

On Thursday we learned that the National Enquirer paid President Trump's former doorman $30,000 during the election for his tale about an alleged love child Trump had with his housekeeper, then killed the story. "Trump might have a secret kid?" Trevor Noah asked on Thursday's Daily Show. "I bet everyone who doesn't know their father right now is panicking. They're phoning their moms, like: 'Tell me it wasn't him, mom, tell me it wasn't him! Tell me it was a crackhead.'"

"Everyone in this story is talking about whether these payoffs constitute illegal campaign contributions — that's why it's big news — but for me, there's a bigger story here," Noah said: "You realize if you were born in the 1980s, you might be Donald Trump's child. Yeah, you could be in line to inherit billions of dollars ... in debt." He ended on Mark Zuckerberg's testimony to Congress, rolling his eyes at Zuckerberg's feigned ignorance of how Facebook works but celebrating that a man was finally apologizing for something other than sexual harassment.

The Trump love child story is probably "too good to be true," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "But if Trump did have a secret love child with an employee in the '80s, I'm going to guess that the love child is Eric, and that employee is none other than Gary Busey." The joke makes more sense with Kimmel's photo. "But if the story is true, there could be another Trump kid out there who would be an adult right now, which is crazy to think about." Kimmel's doorman, "Curtis," didn't think it was so crazy to pay the doorman to keep quiet, and he tried out a couple of blackmail bids. Kimmel ended with a fake ad in which Michael Cohen, Trump's fixer, openly hawks his payout services, and it all ties back to the love-child story. Watch below. Peter Weber