If you're Trump's alleged love child, Trevor Noah has bad news for you, but Jimmy Kimmel sees good fortune


On Thursday we learned that the National Enquirer paid President Trump's former doorman $30,000 during the election for his tale about an alleged love child Trump had with his housekeeper, then killed the story. "Trump might have a secret kid?" Trevor Noah asked on Thursday's Daily Show. "I bet everyone who doesn't know their father right now is panicking. They're phoning their moms, like: 'Tell me it wasn't him, mom, tell me it wasn't him! Tell me it was a crackhead.'"
"Everyone in this story is talking about whether these payoffs constitute illegal campaign contributions — that's why it's big news — but for me, there's a bigger story here," Noah said: "You realize if you were born in the 1980s, you might be Donald Trump's child. Yeah, you could be in line to inherit billions of dollars ... in debt." He ended on Mark Zuckerberg's testimony to Congress, rolling his eyes at Zuckerberg's feigned ignorance of how Facebook works but celebrating that a man was finally apologizing for something other than sexual harassment.
The Trump love child story is probably "too good to be true," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "But if Trump did have a secret love child with an employee in the '80s, I'm going to guess that the love child is Eric, and that employee is none other than Gary Busey." The joke makes more sense with Kimmel's photo. "But if the story is true, there could be another Trump kid out there who would be an adult right now, which is crazy to think about." Kimmel's doorman, "Curtis," didn't think it was so crazy to pay the doorman to keep quiet, and he tried out a couple of blackmail bids. Kimmel ended with a fake ad in which Michael Cohen, Trump's fixer, openly hawks his payout services, and it all ties back to the love-child story. Watch below. Peter Weber
Subscribe to The Week
Escape your echo chamber. Get the facts behind the news, plus analysis from multiple perspectives.

Sign up for The Week's Free Newsletters
From our morning news briefing to a weekly Good News Newsletter, get the best of The Week delivered directly to your inbox.
From our morning news briefing to a weekly Good News Newsletter, get the best of The Week delivered directly to your inbox.
Sign up for Today's Best Articles in your inbox
A free daily email with the biggest news stories of the day – and the best features from TheWeek.com
Peter has worked as a news and culture writer and editor at The Week since the site's launch in 2008. He covers politics, world affairs, religion and cultural currents. His journalism career began as a copy editor at a financial newswire and has included editorial positions at The New York Times Magazine, Facts on File, and Oregon State University.
-
5 heavy-handed cartoons about ICE and deportation
Cartoons Artists take on international students, the Supreme Court, and more
By The Week US
-
Exploring the three great gardens of Japan
The Week Recommends Beautiful gardens are 'the stuff of Japanese landscape legends'
By The Week UK
-
Is Prince Harry owed protection?
Talking Point The Duke of Sussex claims he has been singled out for 'unjustified and inferior treatment' over decision to withdraw round-the-clock security
By The Week UK
-
New Mexico to investigate death of Gene Hackman, wife
speed read The Oscar-winning actor and his wife Betsy Arakawa were found dead in their home with no signs of foul play
By Peter Weber, The Week US
-
Giant schnauzer wins top prize at Westminster show
Speed Read Monty won best in show at the 149th Westminster Kennel Club dog show
By Peter Weber, The Week US
-
Beyoncé, Kendrick Lamar take top Grammys
Speed Read Beyoncé took home album of the year for 'Cowboy Carter' and Kendrick Lamar's diss track 'Not Like Us' won five awards
By Peter Weber, The Week US
-
The Louvre is giving 'Mona Lisa' her own room
Speed Read The world's most-visited art museum is getting a major renovation
By Peter Weber, The Week US
-
Honda and Nissan in merger talks
Speed Read The companies are currently Japan's second and third-biggest automakers, respectively
By Peter Weber, The Week US
-
Taylor Swift wraps up record-shattering Eras tour
Speed Read The pop star finally ended her long-running tour in Vancouver, Canada
By Peter Weber, The Week US
-
Drake claims illegal boosting, defamation
Speed Read The rapper accused Universal Music of boosting Kendrick Lamar's diss track and said UMG allowed him to be falsely accused of pedophilia
By Rafi Schwartz, The Week US
-
'Wicked' and 'Gladiator II' ignite holiday box office
Speed Read The combination of the two movies revitalized a struggling box office
By Peter Weber, The Week US