Wednesday's Late Show opened with an abbreviated version of President Trump's Tuesday night address from the Oval Office, using added cue cards to highlight his prominent breathing and overall truthiness.
Trump met Wednesday with Democratic leaders Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer to try to negotiate an end to the 19-day-long government shutdown, and "the meeting did not last long," Stephen Colbert said, because when Pelosi told Trump she wouldn't agree to fund his border wall, he cut it short. "He slammed the table and walked out — he was so angry he did exercise!" he deadpanned. After the meeting, Pelosi said Trump thinks the 800,000 federal workers who won't get paychecks Friday "maybe could just ask their father for more money, but they can't." Damn, Colbert said, Trump "should ask his father for some ointment, because he just got burned!"
"If you are disappointed about this breakdown in talks, then you must have been really disappointed last night," when Trump gave a "low-energy Jeb-version" of his standard immigration stump speech, Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. "And eight minutes of it was just Trump sniffing," he said, showing some examples. "He was sniffing so much, it sounds like he's trying to get all the drugs off the street himself." Noah talked through Trump's overheated immigration fearmongering, and he ended with a Melania joke and actual 2004 footage of Trump encouraging people to do whatever it takes to get around a concrete wall.
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"In his speech Trump criticized Democrats, insulted immigrants, and said we need a wall," Jimmy Fallon said on The Tonight Show. "By the end, anyone playing a Trump drinking game was like, 'Call an ambulance!'"
On Late Night, Seth Meyers walked through Trump's evolving, convoluted history of talking about his wall, arguing that most of his supporters never expected him to build it "any more than they expected Trump to actually 'lock her up.'" Watch below. Peter Weber
