Late night hosts, like the stock market, reacted poorly to Mike Pence as coronavirus czar

Wall Street is panicking over the coronavirus epidemic, Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show. "In the first three days of this week, the Dow lost 2,000 points. But last night, Donald Trump held a press conference to reassure nervous investors — and today it bounced back by plunging almost 1,200 points, the largest single-day drop in U.S. history."

"Trump said he didn't think the stock market death spiral has anything to do with the coronavirus," instead blaming Democrats, Colbert said. But "Trump's biggest announcement" was that Vice President Mike Pence will spearhead the coronavirus response effort. Pence "does have experience with outbreaks, specifically making them worse" while Indiana governor, he said, "but you know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, welcome to the Trump administration!"

"The point of that press convergence was not public health, by the way," Colbert said. "Officials at Trump's coronavirus briefing focused on preventing the spread of criticism of Trump," which makes it "so disturbing" that "from now on, Mike Pence will control all coronavirus messaging from health officials. Yes, and his first order is renaming the National Institutes of Health 'Pray Away the Plague.'"

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Here's what that might sound like in song:

Pence's appointment is "a total joke," according to 2014 Trump, Jimmy Kimmel noted at Kimmel Live, but maybe Trump will get more serious about the outbreak now because it's endangering supplies of his favorite drink, Diet Coke. In the meantime, he said, "the stock market is down and the coronavirus is up — this planet is going to Purell in a handbasket."

"Now that it's spread to six continents and 52 countries, drastic action is being taken around the globe." Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. For instance, "Japan has canceled school for a month — quick, America, now's your chance to catch up in math!" Putting Pence in charge of the coronavirus response "seems ludicrous, but maybe the plan is to just have Mike Pence bore the virus to death," he joked.

"Mike Pence?" Seth Meyers gawked at Late Night. "What medical experience does Mike Pence have? At best, he looks like a CPR doll that won't let you do mouth-to-mouth on it." Seriously, he added, "Trump should have picked someone with relevant experience and a proven track record, but instead he picked a political yes-man, because he doesn't have anyone else left in his White House." Watch below. Peter Weber