Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Late night hosts cheer Team USA's Olympics medal win, lose their invites to Obama's birthday bash

"The 2020 Tokyo Olympics ended yesterday, and U.S. athletes brought home 39 gold medals, 41 silvers, 33 bronze, and 4 new variants," Seth Meyers joked on Monday's Late Night. "President Biden on Saturday held a Zoom call with Team USA Olympians, and if you thought winning a gold medal was tough, try explaining to a 78-year-old man that he's muted."

"The Tokyo Olympics have officially come to an end," so "now if you want to witness physical excellence, you'll have to watch a flight attendant duct-tape a drunk guy to his seat," Jimmy Fallon said at The Tonight Show. "After an incredible last day, Team USA topped the final medal count with 113 medals," and "meanwhile, all the country wants to talk about is how often celebrities bathe." (You can watch Stephen Colbert explain that punchline.) The White House announced Friday that 50 percent of all Americans are fully vaccinated, he added. "Is it just me, or does this feel like a group project where half the team does all the work?"

The news "is a little rough — there's a fourth wave of coronavirus, we just got a global warming red alert for humanity, there are wildfires consuming Northern California and Greece — so naturally there's one question on everyone's mind: Did I go to Barack Obama's birthday party?" Colbert said on The Late Show. Despite multiple news reports, he explained, his invitation was downsized due to the contagious COVID-19 Delta variant. "Kids, if you work hard, put in your time, and get to be the No. 1 show in late-night television, you too can get disinvited from the cool kids' party," Colbert said.

But the highly infectious Delta variant didn't just spoil his chance to party with Obama's circle, Colbert said. "As with all bad news, there's bad and then there's Florida," which "has broken its own record for new coronavirus cases."

The dire U.N. report on the irreversible damage humanity has done to the Earth and its climate made eco-heroes drink to forget in The Late Show's cold open.

And David Spade brought the climate report and the Olympics together in one quip on Jimmy Kimmel Live. "I hope you enjoyed [the Tokyo Games], because with global warming, even the Winter Olympics will soon be the Summer Olympics," he said. Then he archly recapped this season of The Bachelorette, and you can watch that below.