Last Night on Late Night
"We've been off for two weeks, and while we were gone there was continuing plague, war, floods, fires — it's like the end times, or as they're now known, the times," a mustachioed Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. Hurricane Ida blew down Louisiana and drowned the Northeast, and "you know the climate crisis is bad when the once-in-a-century global pandemic is the second-biggest story of the day."
COVID-19 cases are more than double what they were a year ago, and "unfortunately, thanks to fear-mongering and misinformation, a lot of people still aren't getting vaccinated," Colbert said. "But don't worry about the anti-vaxxers being unprotected, because they have found a new drug that also does not protect them. It's called ivermectin, which is a horse dewormer. So you'll probably still get COVID, but on the bright side, you could win the Preakness."
"In lighter news, Roe v. Wade is dead in Texas," Colbert deadpanned. "Now famously, we all know you don't mess with Texas, but apparently it's cool to narc on other Texans," because the state's new 6-week abortion ban "encourages informants to sue promising they can recover legal fees, as well as $10,000 if they win. They're incentivizing neighbors to turn on each other for cash. Bad news for fans of privacy rights, but great news for the Handmaid's Tale, who just got a late Emmy nomination for Best Documentary."
Late Night's Amber Ruffin had some frank suggestions for what Texas Republicans can do with their abortion law.
"What a weird summer — Britney is free and every woman in the state of Texas isn't," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. COVID-19 cases are so high now, "Dr. Fauci said that if hospitals get any more overcrowded, they're going to have to make some very tough choices about who gets an ICU bed. I dunno, that choice doesn't seem so tough to me. Vaccinated person having a heart attack? Yes, come right on in, we'll take care of you. Unvaccinated guy who gobbled horse goo?" Nope.
The poison control centers "have seen this spike in calls from people taking this livestock medicine to fight the coronavirus, but they won't take the vaccine — which is crazy," Kimmel said. "It's like if you're a vegan and you're just like, 'No, I don't want a hamburger, give me that can of Alpo instead.'"
The Late Show had Mr. Ed convey a similar message.