"We've been off for two weeks, and while we were gone there was continuing plague, war, floods, fires — it's like the end times, or as they're now known, the times," a mustachioed Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. Hurricane Ida blew down Louisiana and drowned the Northeast, and "you know the climate crisis is bad when the once-in-a-century global pandemic is the second-biggest story of the day."
COVID-19 cases are more than double what they were a year ago, and "unfortunately, thanks to fear-mongering and misinformation, a lot of people still aren't getting vaccinated," Colbert said. "But don't worry about the anti-vaxxers being unprotected, because they have found a new drug that also does not protect them. It's called ivermectin, which is a horse dewormer. So you'll probably still get COVID, but on the bright side, you could win the Preakness."
"In lighter news, Roe v. Wade is dead in Texas," Colbert deadpanned. "Now famously, we all know you don't mess with Texas, but apparently it's cool to narc on other Texans," because the state's new 6-week abortion ban "encourages informants to sue promising they can recover legal fees, as well as $10,000 if they win. They're incentivizing neighbors to turn on each other for cash. Bad news for fans of privacy rights, but great news for the Handmaid's Tale, who just got a late Emmy nomination for Best Documentary."
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Late Night's Amber Ruffin had some frank suggestions for what Texas Republicans can do with their abortion law.
"What a weird summer — Britney is free and every woman in the state of Texas isn't," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. COVID-19 cases are so high now, "Dr. Fauci said that if hospitals get any more overcrowded, they're going to have to make some very tough choices about who gets an ICU bed. I dunno, that choice doesn't seem so tough to me. Vaccinated person having a heart attack? Yes, come right on in, we'll take care of you. Unvaccinated guy who gobbled horse goo?" Nope.
The poison control centers "have seen this spike in calls from people taking this livestock medicine to fight the coronavirus, but they won't take the vaccine — which is crazy," Kimmel said. "It's like if you're a vegan and you're just like, 'No, I don't want a hamburger, give me that can of Alpo instead.'"
The Late Show had Mr. Ed convey a similar message.
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Taking aim at Venezuela’s autocratFeature The Trump administration is ramping up military pressure on Nicolás Maduro. Is he a threat to the U.S.?
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Comey indictment: Is the justice system broken?Feature U.S. attorney Lindsey Halligan has indicted former FBI Director James Comey on charges of lying and obstructing Congress
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Government shuts down amid partisan deadlockFeature As Democrats and Republicans clash over health care and spending, the shutdown leaves 750,000 federal workers in limbo
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Japan poised to get first woman prime ministerSpeed Read The ruling Liberal Democratic Party elected former Economic Security Minister Sanae Takaichi
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Israel and Hamas meet on hostages, Trump’s planSpeed Read Hamas accepted the general terms of Trump’s 20-point plan, including the release of all remaining hostages
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US tipped to help Kyiv strike Russian energy sitesSpeed Read Trump has approved providing Ukraine with intelligence for missile strikes on Russian energy infrastructure
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Netanyahu agrees to Trump’s new Gaza peace planSpeed Read At President Trump's meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, they agreed upon a plan to end Israel’s war in Gaza
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Russia is ‘helping China’ prepare for an invasion of TaiwanIn the Spotlight Russia is reportedly allowing China access to military training
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Moldova gives decisive win to pro-EU partySpeed Read The country is now on track to join the European Union within five years
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Interpol arrests hundreds in Africa-wide sextortion crackdownIN THE SPOTLIGHT A series of stings disrupts major cybercrime operations as law enforcement estimates millions in losses from schemes designed to prey on lonely users
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UK, 3 Western allies recognize Palestinian stateSpeed Read Britain, Canada, Australia and Portugal formally recognized the state of Palestine
