Speed Reads

'Company Man'

Stephen Colbert slams his own CBS network for hiring Mick Mulvaney. Samantha Bee does, too.

"You know I'm a company man — I love CBS, our parent company Paramount, and it's parent company, probably a defense contractor who makes boner pills, there's no way of knowing," Stephen Colbert said on CBS's Late Show late Thursday. But "recently my network got a lot of criticism, much of it from itself, because CBS News has hired the ex-president's former chief of staff, Mick Mulvaney, to 'provide political analysis across the network's broadcasts and platforms.' For more, we go to The Late Show's media analyst, Stephen Colbert." His response was three words long.

"I for one can't wait to hear Mulvaney's trenchant and objective political analysis," given his calling COVID-19 a media "hoax," telling everyone to "get over it" after Trump extorted Ukraine for political gain, and predicting Trump would accept his 2020 loss gracefully, Colbert deadpanned. "Is Mick Mulvaney psychic? Get this man to Vegas! He's Nostradumbass,"

"Obviously I'm just joking, but why would the Tiffany network's venerable news division put this craven toady to a tyrant on their payroll?" Colbert asked. According to one executive, CBS is prioritizing "access" to the GOP because it will "likely" win the midterms. "That's right, they're not just reporting the news anymore, they're predicting it now!" he said. "I'm sure this has all been tough on Mulvaney, and as a coworker I feel like it's my duty to make sure that he is portrayed fairly on this, now his network."

"The only thing you should ask Mick Mulvaney about is where he's taking the Ark of the Covenant," Samantha Bee said on Full Frontal, similarly comparing Mulvaney to the face-melting Nazi treasure hunter in the first Indiana Jones movie. She also said he looks like Hannibal Lecter and a "haunted ventriloquist doll," and suggested CBS call on either of them instead, since Mulvaney "was very recently the budget director and acting chief of staff in the most corrupt administration since the Lannisters."