Jon Stewart started out Thursday night's Daily Show with the latest problem plaguing the rollout of ObamaCare: As President Obama all but acknowledged in his press conference on Thursday, the federal insurance exchange website, HealthCare.gov, won't be fully functional by the end of November, as promised.
Also during his press appearance, Obama said that in his campaigns he acknowledged, "I am not a perfect man, and I will not be a perfect president," but that he would work hard every day. Wait, "that wasn't the slogan you campaigned on," Stewart protested. "I think when you campaigned, you were all, 'Yes we can.' I don't remember the other slogan":
After playing a few seconds of Obama taking the blame for the botched rollout, Stewart said that he can't believe it, but HealthCare.gov has turned Obama into Artie Fufkin, the self-flagellating record company promoter from This Is Spinal Tap.
But every cloud has a silver lining, Stewart said, and while the ObamaCare rollout has been rocky, "at least it hasn't been mayor-of-Toronto rocky." Yes, that's right, we are back to discussing Rob Ford, now widely known as "the crack-smoking mayor of Toronto."
The latest prompt for delving into Ford's bigger-than-ObamaCare woes up north was the mayor's appearance before the Toronto City Council on Wednesday. Ford, when questioned, said he still has "zero tolerance" for drug crimes, and — after a deliciously long pause — admitted that he has purchased illegal drugs in the past two years. Stewart had quite a bit of fun imagining what went through Ford's head during that eight second pause. It's fun for us, too.
The council eventually voted, 37-5, to politely request that Ford consider taking a leave of absence — or as that kind of nonbonding resolution "is known up there: Justice, Canadian-style," Stewart joked. Ford should take them up on the offer, Stewart advised — not just for his health, or because of the other new allegations of consorting with prostitutes and snorting cocaine and driving while intoxicated, either.
On Thursday morning, Ford talked to the press, threatening to sue some of the people making those allegations about him. After making a slew of Cops-worthy statements, Ford dropped what Stewart called "a closer," a line so amazing and mic-drop worthy that you should just exit the stage afterward. Watch:
"Somewhere in a basement, through his tears, Anthony Weiner is going 'What the f--k?!?'" Stewart concluded. Indeed.
Stewart closed out the noninterview part of the show with a new segment called "Neil deGrasse Tyson: Buzzkill of Science," starring, predictably enough, the astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. His explanation of why zombies aren't really possible, according to the laws of science, is entertaining and engaging. But he won't replace John Oliver.