Good week for:
Blessed silence, after professional antagonist Ann Coulter injured herself in a fall and had to have her jaw wired shut.

Michael Horton of Topeka, Kan., who in 10 days won a Saturn Outlook and a Mitsubishi Lancer in two separate contests. In yet another contest, he won tickets to a Kansas City Chiefs football game.

Having that extra serving of Canadian bacon, after the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that obese people are disabled, and therefore have the right to two airline seats for the price of one.

Bad week for:
Enforced sobriety,
after Russia’s National Alcohol Association found that Russians bought about six times less vodka last month than a year ago, due to financial hardship. “The government has to do something for these people trying to afford the most basic essentials of life,” said NAA president Pavel Shapkin.

Karaoke tributes, after a Wisconsin man was arrested for throttling a fellow bar patron who he believed was intentionally butchering a karaoke rendition of the song “Holy Diver” by the metal band Dio. “I genuinely love Ronnie James Dio,” protested the victim later, insisting he was trying to pay tribute to the band, not mock it.

Anthropomorphism, after a Chinese college student climbed into a zoo pen so he could hug a panda bear. “Yangyang was so cute and I just wanted to cuddle him,” said the student from his hospital bed. “I didn’t expect he would attack. I don’t remember how many bites I got.”