Republican whining about the debates is getting embarrassing

Can somebody pass the smelling salts already? The 14 Republicans running for president held their third debate a week ago, and they've been publicly suffering through an epidemic of the vapors ever since.

The grousing over how terrible and mean and liberal the CNBC moderators were kicked off during the debate itself, starting with Donald Trump's first question and reaching a crescendo in Sen. Ted Cruz's long harangue about media bias and lack of substantive questions — in response to a question about the federal budget and debt limit, no less. But the griping hasn't really stopped since.

The Republican National Committee, which help organized the debates, retaliated like tough guys, suspending a planned debate hosted by NBC News and Telemundo because Lester Holt and Co. couldn't keep those unruly financial journalists in line. But the swooning culminated Sunday evening in a mafia-like summit of presidential campaign consiglieri at a Hilton conference room in Alexandria, Virginia, with most campaigns agreeing on a plan to free themselves from the clumsy embrace of the RNC and the hostile grasp of the mainstream media.

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Ben Carson's campaign, which hosted the event, came in armed with proposals to take the TV networks out of the equation entirely, with the GOP candidates streaming their own debate online. Under the Carson plan, every candidate would get five-minute opening and closing statements — for a total of 140 minutes in campaign speeches.

Cruz, on Saturday in Iowa, suggested "a very, very simple rule" for future debates: "How about the moderators of Republican primaries actually be Republicans? If you have individuals who have never in their life voted in a Republican primary, maybe they shouldn't be moderating." He had some suggestions: "Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and Mark Levin," all conservative TV or radio pundits. (Curiously, Cruz declined to mention Rick Santelli, one of his questioners last week, who during a particularly memorable anti-Obama tirade live on CNBC — the conservative wing of the NBC cable family — gave name to the Tea Party movement that carried Cruz into the Senate.)

If this sounds like Republicans want less of a debate than televised stump speeches — or free infomercials, perhaps — you can't really blame them. But I think we can all agree that would make for terrible television. CNBC didn't cover itself in glory in last week's debate, but its greatest sin was hosting a boring conversation. Their subject was money, and tax policy is dry at the best of times — asking viewers to digest and evaluate 10 competing tax cut proposals would be a stretch even for an Econ 101 class. If the moderators' attempts to spice things up a bit didn't always work — and they didn't — at least they tried.

In the end, with the various campaigns wanting different things from the debates, the consiglieri came up with some pretty bland proposals, including equal speaking time and opening and closing statements of at least 30 seconds, plus no "lightning rounds" that might elicit unplanned soundbites. Fox News was exempted, because its own business arm — Fox News Business, struggling mightily to topple CNBC — is hosting the next debate on Nov. 10 and because, as "one operative in the room" told David Weigel and Roberto Costa at The Washington Post, "people are afraid to make Roger [Ailes] mad."

The Republicans have some legitimate complaints — the rules were a little arbitrary, and that means Jeb Bush ended up getting less speaking time than Mike Huckabee and Sen. Rand Paul. But the debate also had plenty of substance. And did it really cross some line of political propriety? Let's play a little game.

Can you guess which debate featured the following questions: the terribly disrespectful and mean-spirited GOP interrogation at CNBC or the "fawning questions" at the Democratic get-together hosted by CNN?

1. "Will you say anything to get elected?... Do you change your political identity based on who you're talking to?"

2. "Let's be honest. Is this a comic book version of a presidential campaign?"

3. "Are you saying you didn't know what you were voting for?... What does that say about you that you're casting a vote for something you weren't really sure about?"

4. "Why should Latino voters trust you now when you left them at the altar at the moment when reform was very close?"

5. "Bankruptcy is a broken promise. Why should the voters believe the promises that you're telling them right now?"

6. "Why would you serve on a company whose policies seem to run counter to your views on homosexuality?"

7. "In all candor, you and your husband are part of the 1 percent. How can you credibly represent the views of the middle class?"

8. "You faced foreclosure on a second home that you bought. And just last year, you liquidated a $68,000 retirement fund. That's something that cost you thousands of dollars in taxes and penalties. In terms of all of that, it raises the question whether you have the maturity and wisdom to lead this $17 trillion economy. What do you say?"

9. "For the last eight months, you haven't been able to put this issue behind you. You dismissed it; you joked about it; you called it a mistake. What does that say about your ability to handle far more challenging crises as president?"

10. "You supported the Sandinistas in Nicaragua. You honeymooned in the Soviet Union. And just this weekend, you said you're not a capitalist. Doesn't — doesn't that ad write itself?"

Okay, that last one is a gimme. You can find the answers below, but the point is that all four debates have featured tough, cheeky questions.

That's because debate moderators aren't there to make the campaigns shine, or to show candidates deference. They're supposed to act as surrogates for voters, asking questions that help us pick which candidate we would vote for (or not) in the primaries and caucuses. Was it rude to ask Donald Trump if he's running a cartoon version of a presidential campaign? Probably. But if you have never wondered the same thing, well, maybe you haven't been paying enough attention.

Donald Trump is a successful real estate tycoon. Ted Cruz is an Ivy League–educated lawyer who quickly worked his way up the political ladder through smarts and grit. Ben Carson is a celebrated pediatric neurosurgeon. But seriously, if they don't have thick enough skin to laugh off some sharp-edged questions from a trio of financial journalists, how can voters believe that they have the sense of perspective, stature, and temperament to square off against Vladimir Putin, much less Hillary Clinton?

Fox Business News, feel free to poach that question for your next debate.

(Quiz — CNBC/Republicans: 2, 5, 6, 8; CNN/Democrats: 1, 3, 4, 9, 7, 10)