Parrot has sex with hat
A British woman woke up from a nap to find her parrot having sex with her hat, says the London Sun. Jackie Lucking, 40, had worn the haute couture bonnet of colored feathers to a christening service, after which she fell asleep. When she awoke, she found that her parrot, Shrek, had gorged himself on nine of Lucking’s stimulant-based diet pills and was attempting congress with the hat. “He turned into a maniac,” says Lucking. “It’s disgusting.”

What's up with the beef?
Large pieces of meat have been turning up on the town common in Framingham, Mass., alarming residents. The first piece, a shoulder cut of beef, appeared five weeks ago beneath a tree. Since then, meat has been showing up regularly in the same spot, including a 10-pound roast and a slice of liver. With rumors swirling, officials admit to being baffled. “It’s our mission to get to the bottom of why these pieces of meat are being left,” said Police Lt. Paul Shastany. “Why? Who? And what is it?”

Natalie Portman's libido
Natalie Portman’s libido is limiting her dramatic range, says the New York Post. The actress was considered for the role of a troubled nun in the film version of John Patrick Shanley’s Doubt, but Shanley said Portman “kept saying she had a problem” understanding the character. “We finally nailed down what the problem was,” Shanley said. “She basically said she didn’t understand celibacy.”