Dead but thirsty, Recruiting Eminem

last updated 8 January 2015

A dead Chilean man surprised attendees at his wake by sitting up and demanding a glass of water. Relatives had found Feliberto Carrasco, 81, so cold and apparently lifeless in his home that they called for a funeral director rather than a doctor. After friends and relations had gathered to toast his memory, Carrasco regained consciousness. “I couldn’t believe it. I thought I must be mistaken, and I shut my eyes,” said Carrasco’s nephew Pedro. “When I opened them again, my uncle was looking at me.”

Rapper Eminem is being courted by the makers of Slim-Fast to be their new spokesman, says OK! The hard-core rapper, 35, has been out of the public eye in recent years, during which time he has apparently ballooned up to around 210 pounds. “Slim-Fast is a program that can really work for someone like Eminem,” said a spokesman for the diet meal-replacement shake. “Slim-Fast would love to offer Eminem product and assistance to help him become a potential S-F success story.”

A Welshman has been charged with murdering his wife after he was caught on tape confessing the crime to his cats. Police always suspected David Henton, 72, in the bludgeoning death of his wife, Joyce, and knowing that he had a habit of talking to his pet cats, they planted listening devices in his home. Prosecutors say Henton was overheard telling the animals, “I hit my Joyce. I don’t know if they can prove it. What am I going to say if they find anything?” Henton is pleading innocent.