The weak-willed, Climate change

Good week for:

The weak-willed, after the Girl Scouts began selling some of their cookies in smaller, 100-calorie packs, for people who find it difficult to close a box of Thin Mints. “It was never our intention for cookies to be eaten by the box,” said a Girl Scout official.

The return of the Cold War, as Fraser, Colo., and International Falls, Minn., sued each other over the right to the trademark “Ice Box of the Nation.” Temperatures in both towns hovered at about 19 degrees this week. “We ought to get something out of it after having to live through winters here,” said one Fraser resident.

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Omens, after dozens of people in the farming community of Stephenville, Texas, saw a massive UFO a mile long flying low and fast over the horizon. “It was positively, absolutely nothing from these parts,” said pilot Steve Smith. “This is the Bible Belt, and everyone is afraid it’s the End of Times.”

Bad week for:

Climate change, as global warming and urban development forced the Iditarod sled dog race to move 30 miles north from Wasilla, Alaska, to Willow. Wasilla now has too much concrete and not enough snow, said race officials.

Flirting, after an Australian man who was waving at two young women out his car window had his arm partially severed by a passing vehicle.

Bozo, after a British study found that decorating hospitals’ children’s wards with images of clowns only serves to terrify the patients. “Clowns are universally disliked by children,” said researcher Penny Curtis. Kids, she said, find their strange faces, weird hair, and ostensibly funny behavior “frightening and unknowable.”