Speed Reads

Spidey caused Omicron

'Biden' blames Spider-Man for political setbacks in SNL cold open

In the most recent Saturday Night Live cold open, James Austin Johnson gave a press conference as President Biden in which he addressed Americans' concerns about the ongoing pandemic.

"I know you're tired of getting emails from your kids' school saying 'Ok, come in tomorrow. We're feeling lucky!'" he said.

But, the "president" had a solution: "There is one simple thing you can do to make this whole virus go away — stop seeing Spider-Man!"

He went on to explain that, because the massively successful release of Spider-Man: No Way Home coincided perfectly with the beginning of the Omicron wave, it must have caused it. Seeing other movies, he told "reporters," was fine.

Johnson-as-Biden also blamed his other political setbacks on the latest Marvel film: "You think people can focus on voting rights when Spider-Man's Aunt May is a freakin' smokeshow?"

As the "press conference" neared its end, the "president" began speculating that perhaps we're living in a multiverse like the one portrayed in Spider-Man: No Way Home.

"Doesn't that make more sense than whatever the hell our current world is?" he demanded. "People got vaccinated and the pandemic got worse!" Johnson-as-Biden posited the existence of two other Joe Bidens: one who lost to former President Donald Trump in 2020 and now hosts a show on CNBC and another "who's the greatest president in history" and is "actually supported by my own party."

Pete Davidson then appeared as a younger, tattooed Biden from the "real" universe to confirm Johnson-as-Biden's theory. Our timeline, he explained, "was created as a joke starting in 2016."

In response to a question from a "reporter," Davidson-as-alt-Biden also confirmed that "everyone on earth is better off in the real world, except one man named Pete Davidson."