Speed Reads

Colbert Nationalism

After Germany's World Cup win, Stephen Colbert declares Benedict XVI pope again

On his first night back after two weeks of vacation, Stephen Colbert caught up on a lot of subjects on Monday's Colbert Report — House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio)'s lawsuit against President Obama, the Supreme Court's Hobby Lobby ruling on contraception and religious rights for corporations, and the World Cup, for starters. Colbert got in some pretty good jokes about Belgium, or "Europe Rhode Island," whose team knocked the U.S. out of the tournament. "Those waffle-sucking sort-of-Frenchies crushed us like we were them in every world war," he said, unkindly.

Colbert then turned to the final match, between Germany and Argentina, which wasn't, he noted, decided by which country has the most Nazi war criminals — "too close to call" — but perhaps by divine intervention? Pope Francis is from Argentina, and Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI is from Germany. "Deutschland's win means Benedict is pope again," Colbert cheered. "Bye-bye Frank." Maybe then the Vatican would stop flirting with baptizing extraterrestrials? --Peter Weber