Speed Reads

last night on late night

Stephen Colbert's been dragged into #Pizzagate, and he has a message for conspiracy mongers

"We have a lot of fun here at The Late Show every night, talking about the news of the day," Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's show, "but I really hope you don't get your news from me. Because news flash: This isn't news. This is entertainment." If you want news, read a newspaper or watch network news, he said, but don't trust social media, "because a lot of the news on social media is a lie." There is so much fake news sloshing around that Pope Francis even weighed in on Wednesday, comparing fake-news purveyors to people with "a morbid fascination with excrement." "If the pope's talking poop, you know we're in deep doo-doo," Colbert said.

"The craziest fake news of all is something called #Pizzagate," he said. "People actually believe a conspiracy theory that Hillary Clinton and her former campaign manager, John Podesta, ran a child sex ring at a pizzeria in D.C. This is a lie." If you're not familiar with this conspiracy theory, Colbert explained: "According to the folks with the spider eggs hatching in their brains, Clinton and Podesta have a series of smuggling tunnels that connect to the basement of this pizzeria, but police refuse to investigate the basement crime scene on the flimsy excuse that the pizzeria does not have a basement."

Among the "uniformed, gullible people" who fell for this crazy conspiracy, Colbert said, was Michael Flynn, Donald Trump's choice for national security adviser, who promoted the "MUST READ!" story on Twitter with the introduction "U decide." "Okay, then I decide a guy who spreads this bullshit shouldn't be in charge of national security," he said. This is partly personal for Colbert, he said, "because according to some folks on Reddit, I'm in on Pizzagate," and Clinton's payroll. ("She can't afford me," he said.)

"This is insane," Colbert said, and after explaining how talk shows work, he teasingly prepared to read the pre-interview he did with Trump — twice — before shredding it, because it's private. "Here's what these conspiracy theorists don't get," he said. "There's a difference between a conspiracy and an agreement. A conspiracy is what villains do. An agreement is what adults do. Look around the country — wouldn't you agree we need some more adults? So WikiLeaks, Alex Jones, and the sub-Reddit sub-geniuses — and I mean this in the nicest way possible — grow the f—k up." Watch below. Peter Weber