Speed Reads

Late Night Tackles the Mueller hearings

Stephen Colbert pans the theatrical critiques of Mueller's damning Trump assessment

In his six hours of congressional testimony Wednesday, former Special Counsel Robert Mueller "confirmed that the president of the United States was not 'totally exonerated,'" agreed President Trump "obstructed the investigation multiple times, Russia tampered with the election in Trump's favor, and that the president welcomed that help, lied about welcoming it, and encouraged others to lie about it," Stephen Colbert said on Thursday's Late Show. "In short, boring!" Or at least that's what the critics have decided.

Colbert showed some of the headlines and cable news talking heads panning Mueller's ratings and performance, calling him unsteady and old. "If there's one thing we've learned from watching movies like Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, it's that we should always ignore the dire warnings of the old guy," he joked. Also, "you can't determine the value of Mueller's testimony by ratings! If that were the case, then Avengers: Endgame would be president of the United States. ... I'd go for that — at least Thanos cares about the environment!"

"I don't want a government that cares about ratings — because we already have that with Donald Trump," Colbert said. "Robert Mueller didn't come to Congress to entertain us. He's like a doctor reminding us that the test came back positive and out country has a terminal illness, and we're like, 'Yeah, you told us about it, like, three months ago, doc. [Yawn].'" Mueller also issued dire warnings about Russian hacking of the 2020 election, and Colbert noted pointedly that like Trump, Senate Republicans quickly quashed attempts to shore up election security. He also mocked Rudy Giuliani's new redhead look.

If Colbert's extended terminal illness riff on America's reaction to Mueller's testimony didn't work for you, The Late Show also had a sports analogy. Watch below. Peter Weber