President Trump's impeachment trial kicked off Tuesday, and "soon we will find out if breaking the law is illegal — gotta say, so far I don't like the odds," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. If Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) gets his way, there will be "no evidence, no witnesses, just 100 old people stuck in a room together. This isn't a trial, it's the 4 o'clock dinner rush at Denny's."
Lead impeachment prosecutor Adam Schiff (D-Calif.) explained why McConnell's rules make a mockery of trials, and even if that makes no difference, Colbert said, "it just feels good for someone to stand up and name the lie we can all plainly see." He thought less of Trump's legal team's loud protestations.
"Trump's defense team isn't even denying that he did what he's accused of, they just say it doesn't rise to the level of impeachment — which is like Jeffrey Dahmer arguing it didn't rise to the level of cannibalism," Jimmy Kimmel said at Kimmel Live. Senate Republicans "don't care about evidence, they know he's guilty," and "if you have a problem with that — which you should, no matter what side you're on — the best thing you can do is vote."
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All senators, meanwhile, don't get screen time and can only drink water or milk — "the same rules I have for my 5- and 2-year-old children," Kimmel joked. "Why do I feel like Vice President Pence had something to do with the milk rule?"
"The only other place you'll see water and milk is in Mike Pence's beer helmet," Jimmy Fallon agreed at The Tonight Show. And while "senators have to remain silent and they can't use their phones," he added, "Trump will be screaming at the TV while tweeting from the toilet."
"No talking, no phones, no unapproved bathroom breaks or you could go to jail?" Trevor Noah said at The Daily Show. "This doesn't sound like a trial, it sounds like detention." He noted that "Trump's 'I Love the '90s' legal team" includes Kenneth Starr, from Bill Clinton's impeachment, and former O.J. Simpson lawyer Alan Dershowitz, both "perfect for Trump because they have experience with super-guilty people and super horny presidents."
The Daily Show's Michael Kosta wryly defended McConnell's "speedy Senate trial."
Conan O'Brien, meanwhile, got assurances from fictional McConnell aide Jim Fence (Chris Parnell) that the trial will be fair, at least for Trump. Peter Weber
