Speed Reads

Late Night tackles Trump's final act

Late night hosts break out the popcorn for Trump's predictable refusal to pay Rudy Giuliani

"As if there wasn't enough drama in Washington, there are now reports that President Trump's relationship with Rudy Giuliani is in trouble," Jimmy Fallon said on Tuesday's Tonight Show. "Things are so bad that Trump is telling his staff not to pay Rudy's legal fees" or reimburse his travel expenses without Trump's approval. "Rudy seemed blindsided by the decision, although when hair dye is constantly leaking into your eyes, it's hard to see anything coming," he joked. "At least Rudy racked up a ton of frequent liar miles."

As his term ends in toxic shambles, "these are sad times for Trump, he wanted to listen to 'Everybody Hurts' but he just got banned from Spotify," Fallon joked. "Trump can't even go to his own bathroom without getting depressed. His hair dye reminds him of Rudy Giuliani, his Q-tips remind him of Mike Pence, and his toilet reminds him of Twitter."

"I imagine Trump is sitting in the Oval Office just writing angry notes on paper, crumpling them up, and just yelling 'Tweet!" James Corden said at The Late Late Show. "With Giuliani on the outs, Trump is looking for a new lawyer to defend him at his impeachment trial," and he's evidently landed on John Eastman, who makes Rudy look and sound sane, he said. "At least Eastman is going to do all the work pro bono — he doesn't know that yet, but he is."

"They say Trump isn't even taking Rudy's calls anymore," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "But this is what Trump does: Even if you don't jump ship, sooner or later he'll throw you off it. Rudy Giuliani traveled around the world, he went from being America's Mayor to the parking lot of a dildo store trying to dig up dirt for Trump. The only dirt he could find was coming out of his hair."

Poor Giuliani, "now he's going to have to make money on the side bottling Uncle Rudy's Original Skull Syrup," Stephen Colbert joked at The Late Show. He made a Giuliani fart joke, and grimaced at taxpayers forking out $144,000 so Jared and Ivanka's Secret Service detail can go to the bathroom in a rented apartment. "That is some expensive cr-p — which, I've got to say, is really on-brand for Ivanka," he joked. "These are men and women who literally would take a bullet for you. The least you could do is let them take a leak." Peter Weber