Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Late night hosts explain why you shouldn't intentionally catch COVID, laugh at Fauci's 'moron' whisper

The never-ending COVID-19 pandemic is so bad right now, "the United States reported 1.5 million new infections yesterday," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. "You want to know how sick of this pandemic we all are? Check out this headline that CNN thought we all needed to hear: '5 reasons you should not deliberately catch Omicron "to get it over with."' Well, obviously you shouldn't deliberately catch Omicron and — should I? I mean, all the other late-night hosts are doing it. I'm starting to think they had a secret sleepover and I wasn't invited!"

"Today things got ugly on Capitol Hill, where Dr. Anthony Fauci was testifying in front of his old nemesis, Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul," but also new antagonist Kansas Sen. Roger Marshall, Colbert said. "Sen. Marshall asked Fauci about Fauci's financial disclosure — which is public, because that's how financial disclosures work — and Fauci let it be known in no uncertain terms it's not his fault if the senator doesn't know how to google. Then at the end, the good doctor let his real feelings be known on a hot mic," he added. The clip of Fauci calling Marshall "a moron" now "lives forever on the internet, the one place where Sen. Marshall and his staff will never be able to find it. "

"The new bad idea floating around is people who — and I flirted with this idea, I realize now it's stupid — but people who want to get the virus just to get it over with," Jimmy Kimmel admitted on Kimmel Live. "Here's the thing: There's only so many doctors and there's only so many nurses and there are only so many hospital beds. When everyone tries to get something all at the same time, it's a disaster. Did we learn nothing from the great toilet paper crisis of 2020?"

"The pandemic has caused all kinds of shortages around the world, but Norway's military is dealing with a very unique one," undergarments, Jimmy Fallon said on The Tonight Show. "Whether its the Norwegian military or Norwegian Cruises, they have the same slogan: You're going to need extra underwear."

"Hulk Hogan's under a lot of fire after he suggested that the COVID vaccine is to blame for the recent deaths of some of our biggest celebrities," making him "heavyweight champion of Facebook," Fallon said. "You're laughing now, but if Trump's re-elected, he's the new Dr. Fauci."