Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Late night hosts have ideas about replacing Justice Stephen Breyer, if Mitch McConnell allows it

"The big story tonight comes from the highest court in the land, because Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer is retiring," Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. Breyer's decision, which followed a yearlong "Breyer Retire" pressure campaign, "means that President Biden will get his first chance to name a new Supreme Court justice," he said. And remember, "if Biden can get his nominee confirmed, Democrats will still have... a crushing minority." 

Breyer was reportedly more "surprised" than "upset" that somebody "jumped the gun" by leaking his retirement early, Colbert said. "That gun, by the way, has more rights than most women do under the current Supreme Court."

"At 83, Breyer only has two options — either retire or play quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers," Jimmy Fallon joked on The Tonight Show. "Breyer said he wants to retire to spend more time looking like a wise shopkeeper from a Hallmark Christmas movie."

"Democrats have been relentlessly pestering Breyer to step down so that they can replace him before Mitch McConnell comes back into power and makes a rule that all Supreme Court justices have to have been platinum QAnon members in the past," Trevor Noah said on The Tonight Show. And "maybe I'm just scarred, because even though the Republicans don't control the Senate, don't be shocked when Mitch still makes it happen. He's just going to come out like, 'It's a longstanding Senate tradition that we cannot confirm a Supreme Court justice in a year where there's a new season of Ozark on Netflix.'"

Breyer's retirement "would allow President Biden to appoint a successor," Seth Meyers said on Late Night. "Said Mitch McConnell, 'With only three years left in his term? I don't think so!'" In a new video posted to social media, "former President Trump told a golfing partner that he would be the 45th and 47th president of the United States," he added. "Then again, it wouldn't be the first time he lied to a golf partner."

Jimmy Kimmel played that same video, plus the caddy responding with an enthusiastic "Yes!" "You know, some caddies really know how to wash balls," he deadpanned on Kimmel Live. "Biden said he'll keep his promise to nominate a Black woman to fill Breyer's spot. You know who he should nominate? ... Joe Biden should nominate Anita Hill to be on the Supreme Court. How good would that be?"