Human-skull bong, Oprah touts dogs over romance, Self-performed tracheotomy

Three Texas teenagers have been charged with digging up a corpse and using its skull as a “bong” through which to smoke marijuana. Police Officer Jim Adkins says he was initially skeptical of the horrific tale, confessed by one of the boys after being arrested for auto theft, but was convinced by the reaction of one of the other suspects upon being approached for questioning. “He regurgitated in his plate of food when I asked him about it,” said Adkins. “So I knew there was some truth to the story.”

Oprah Winfrey has privately advised Jennifer Aniston to stop waiting for the man of her dreams, and get a dog instead. Winfrey recently spoke to the former Friends star at length, says The National Enquirer, telling her that human romance invariably “makes life complicated and full of heartache,” and that her own pets have “fulfilled her in a way that has never made her miss getting married or having children.” Aniston was apparently not convinced by Winfrey’s argument, and is currently dating singer-guitarist John Mayer.

A Nebraska man saved his own life by using a steak knife to give himself a tracheotomy. Steve Wilder says he woke up in the dead of night to find that his airway had swollen shut and he couldn’t breathe. Fearing he had no time to call for medical help, Wilder took matters into his own hands. “I got a knife, and located it and pushed in,” said Wilder. He was able to breathe well enough to survive until he reached the hospital, where surgeons performed a second tracheotomy.

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