The dumbest guy in Pennsylvania
A Pennsylvania man allegedly tried to rob a retired police chief at a convention of police officers—and was, not surprisingly, arrested. Former Chief John Comparetto, 56, had just emerged from a men’s room stall when Jerome Blanchett, 19, brandished a gun and demanded cash, police said. Blanchett was promptly swarmed by roughly a dozen of the 300 narcotics cops at the conference. “He actually walked past a great big poster that said, ‘WELCOME NARCOTICS OFFICERS,’” said Comparetto. “This is probably the dumbest guy in the state of Pennsylvania.”

Ben Affleck's bachelor habit
Ben Affleck must pay a fine to his wife, Jennifer Garner, every time he leaves the toilet seat up, says The National Enquirer. Affleck still has the toilet seat practices of a longtime bachelor, and a friend of the couple’s says Garner is “so irritated and grossed out” that she fines the actor $5 for every infraction. The money is going into a college fund for daughter Violet, 3. “At the rate Ben is going,” the friend says, “Violet is already well on her way to the Class of 2028.”

Caught in flagrante at the car wash

A Michigan man has been sentenced to 90 days in jail for having sex with a car-wash vacuum cleaner. Jason Savage, 29, pleaded no contest to charges of indecent exposure after being caught in flagrante with the vacuum. Saginaw County Judge Fred Borchard told Savage that he should be ashamed for making Saginaw a national laughingstock. “I believe you owe the community an apology for what you’ve done,” said Borchard.