What Next? Contest: Drunken Pilot - Feb. 20, 2009

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Ladies and gentlemen: Please return your pilot to his original upright position. We asked you to tell us the next take-off announcement by a pilot who was as clearly soused as the one recently grounded from flying an Aeroflot plane from Moscow to New York, and you proceed to the gate with: “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Captain Morgan speaking.” “Please seat belt your buckles.” “Please basten your feet belts.” “Overhead cabbage may shift.” “We’ll be boozing at an altitude of 35,000 feet.” “99 bottles of beer on the wall….” “The local time is—Happy Hour!” “Has anyone seen the ignition key?” “I’m flying already!” “29 bottles of beer on the wall….” “Attention passengers: Is there a bartender on board?” “This is your captain sleeping.”

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FIRST PRIZE: “We’re currently number five for take-off, but I’ll be damned if I know why the other four are at the other end of the runway.”

Colin Campbell, Claymont, DE

SECOND PRIZE: “This is your captain, speaking to you from the cocktail.”

Debbi Sloane, Boca Raton, FL

THIRD PRIZE: “Hi, my name is Bob and I’m an alc…I’ll be your pilot today.”

Alan Guttman, Los Angeles


“Folks, this is your plane driver speaking.”

Kirsten Fisk, West Palm Beach, FL

“Hello, passengers. We’ll be ready for take-off in just a moment but—does anyone have a bottle opener?”

Shalleen Mayes, Alliance, OH

“Flight attendants prepare the aircraft for descent into Newark.”

M.B. Leighland, Redondo Beach, CA

“Ladies and gentlemen: Do you pull back the yoke to make the houses look smaller or bigger?”

Lori Deas, Gahanna, OH

“If anyone knows where the gas pedal is on this thing, please come forward. And thank you for flying Greyhound.”

Tim Lindgren, Greentown, IN

“Are we there yet?”

Steven Murphy, Exton, PA

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