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The government denies all this, so it must be true

Man reading paper
(Image credit: Jordi Elias/Illustration Works/Corbis)

You read it here first. Investigative reporter Sy Hersh has an anonymous source who's contradicting the official story about the killing of Osama bin Laden, but my anonymous source — a former top, top senior adviser to an extremely high-ranking official — insists that both Sy and the government are wrong.

Bin Laden, I am told, was actually an animatronic creation of the CIA, ordered up by Bill Clinton to distract Americans from the Lewinsky scandal. Dick Cheney pulled the mechanical monster out of storage to justify the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq and gin up some business for Halliburton. Barack Obama had the robot "killed" to make himself look tough on terrorism. I know: This is something of a shock. But when the veil of government propaganda is lifted, you see the world as it truly is — filled with diabolical conspiracies.

Speaking of which: After Obama declares martial law in Texas, my sources tell me, he plans to seize not only all the guns but all the brisket too. He's already told his cronies in Chicago to expect a shipment of a few thousand tons of barbecue. Michelle Obama will be installed as the Food Czar, and will require all Texans to eat nothing but arugula and kale. Same-sex marriage will not only be legalized, it will become mandatory. Naturally, sharia law will be instituted; listening to Rush Limbaugh will bring 100 lashes, while watching Fox News will be punished by stoning.

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How can you tell if all this is true? The government and the mainstream media deny it. Of course they do. Do you need any further proof?

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William Falk

William Falk is editor-in-chief of The Week, and has held that role since the magazine's first issue in 2001. He has previously been a reporter, columnist, and editor at the Gannett Westchester Newspapers and at Newsday, where he was part of two reporting teams that won Pulitzer Prizes.