Holy mate-trimony: the rise of 'friendship marriages'

China's marriage rate may have plunged to a record low last year, but at least some of the country's singles are saying yes – albeit to a different type of arrangement.

A small but growing number of young people are "marrying their best friends", said the South China Morning Post. The so-called "friendship marriage" trend involves two people becoming legal spouses, often living together in a relationship based on "shared values and interests" – but without ties of romantic love or sex.

Friends with platonic benefits

Faced with a "plummeting birth rate and an ageing population", the Chinese government is overtly encouraging its record number of single people to get married, said The Associated Press. In a speech in 2023, President Xi Jinping called for a "new type of marriage and childbearing culture". So for many singles wanting to "escape family pressure and societal prejudice", said the SCMP, a friendship marriage helps. "Women my age are all getting married and having kids," 33-year-old, Chloe, told the publication. "A friendship marriage helps avoid gossip."

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Sexless marriages are also on the rise in Japan and are "among the reasons cited for the low birth rate", said The Times. But for a growing number of people, that sexlessness is "an integral part of a marital union". They appeal to those who "want the benefits of marriage" – legal and financial, or perhaps to raise a child – without intimacy.

That's especially true of gay and asexual people, for whom traditional marriage might be "at odds" with their sexual orientation. Like China, Japan does not recognise same-sex marriage, and remains socially conservative in attitudes towards non-traditional families. Friendship marriages have "filled the gap to some extent".

Colorus, one of many matchmaking agencies specialising in friendship marriages, claims 80% of its male clients are gay and 90% of women on its books identify as asexual. "We offer an option to those who cannot fall in love or have sex with the opposite gender," Arisa Nakamura, the director, told the newspaper.

In the US, many platonic "couples" aren't "open about their situation", but anecdotal evidence from online messageboards suggests it could be "a larger portion of the marriage population than numbers portray", said The New York Times in 2021. It "probably happens a lot", said Nick Bognar, a marriage therapist.

'An oddity in human history'

Platonic unions have been "prevalent since marriage became an institution", said the newspaper. Historically, marriages were an "economic proposition". It is marrying for love that is "more of an oddity in human history". Now spouses are expected to fulfil all of each other's needs: "social, psychological and economic".

Growing numbers of young people are realising that there are "other benefits to marriage other than romantic love," one woman told the daily. "I mean, isn't the point to marry your best friend? In other words, why can't it be your "literal best friend"?

But there are risks in saying "I do" to a friend, said law fellow Nausica Palazzo on The Conversation. In the US, for example, it's "pretty easy for two friends to get married" – as long as they don't admit they're only friends. "Legally speaking, it could be seen as a sham marriage", something akin to a green card union.

It would be extremely difficult to prove, but the couple could risk "criminal sanctions and civil penalties". They could end up being denied the very financial benefits, such as tax breaks, that attracted them to marriage in the first place.

Friendship marriages don't work for everyone as an "escape from reality," Pan Lian, a family relationship consultant in China, told SCMP. They are a "temporary solution to societal pressures" that may fade should "affordable housing and single benefits improve."