Jumeirah Burj Al Arab: Dubai's outrageous peak of luxury

How many hotels can claim to be recognisable by their silhouette alone, like Peter Pan? The Jumeirah Burj Al Arab, Dubai's last word in opulent, excessive luxury, can.

Since it opened its glass doors 25 years ago this week, the sail-shaped landmark has become so inextricably linked with the emirate state that it has become a must-see for any tourist. A visiting journalist famously described it as the world's only seven-star hotel, an inaccurate label that has stuck over the years. But the Burj does claim to be the most luxurious hotel in the world, and although I'm hardly the person to put such a claim to the test, one visit has me convinced.

Occupying a private man-made island, connected to the mainland by a dramatic narrow causeway, the hotel towers 321 metres above the turquoise Arabian Gulf. It's a wonder of architecture and engineering and is still among the world's tallest hotels. But the Burj standout is its distinctive – and divisive – decor: gold leaf over lush blues, reds, and purples, festooned with Swarovski crystals and more than 30 different types of Statuario marble. You ascend the glittering escalators from the lobby flanked on either side by an enormous fishtank. The effect is like if Donald Trump met Tutankhamun.

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The hotel is near throwing distance from the private stretch of Jumeirah beachfront and close enough to the airport (30 minutes) and all major landmarks, to be a highly convenient place to hang your sunhat. That said, you might never want to leave.

The rooms

What rooms? This hotel offers only two-storey suites: 198 of them, to be exact, each with eight dedicated staff members and a 24-hour butler and concierge service. They're like luxury duplexes with floor-to-ceiling windows, all offering mind-boggling views. Even one of the smallest, the Deluxe Marina, is 170 square metres and can comfortably house up to three adults and two children – who get teddies wearing robes with their names on them. The view of the glittering jade ocean from the bed is a highlight. The view of the ceiling, and its startlingly clear mirror over the bed, perhaps less so.

Each suite boasts Hermès toiletries, a powder room, a bathroom with a jacuzzi, a choice of nine pillows and wardrobe unpacking services, which I imagine would come in handy for larger families. Over the top doesn't begin to cover the decor: from the silk laundry bag to the jewellery box, every single item is monogrammed in gold. Even the spare loo roll was to be found in its own personal royal blue velvet sock.

Room service hits differently when it's not served in your bedroom, but down 22 marble steps to a separate floor, at a dining table with placemats and real silver cutlery. The hotel name is even imprinted in the butter.

Eating and drinking

Downstairs is the Michelin-starred restaurant Mediterranean L'Olivo at Al Mahara ("Oyster"). Go for Chef Andrea Migliacci's six-course, seafood-heavy tasting menu, an homage to his grandmother and upbringing in Ischia. Do leave room for the outstanding bread trolley where each choice comes with a different olive oil to pair. The food, however, somewhat pales against the dramatic setting: the bottom of the lobby fishtanks, holding nearly a million litres of water and home to more than 3,000 fish of 30 species – including stingrays, one 20-year-old moray eel and two baby black-finned sharks – that glide past you, mesmerising, as you eat.

Al Iwan is the place for Persian and Arabic cuisine – or the hotel's themed buffet evenings – but judging by the red velvet, cabaret-style curtains, I couldn't swear to the authenticity. If your taste is more sweet than spicy, try the patisserie outpost Les Desserts, or afternoon tea accompanied by harpists and panoramic views at the all-day cafe Sahn Al Dar, under the hotel's atrium.

For breakfast, Bab Al Yam, with floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the Gulf, leans into the coastal vibe with blues, whites and pops of yellow. It offers a comprehensive breakfast selection, from European to Middle Eastern, where the best options are found on the à la carte menu – try shakshouka topped with feta, chives and pine nuts, or the scrambled eggs on brioche with truffle béchamel and Comté cheese.

Up on the 27th floor is the Michelin-starred Al Muntaha ("Ultimate"), fine dining with a focus on French and Italian menus, 200 metres above the ocean. The views are stunning, but perhaps better in the daytime to avoid the light reflection. Chef Saverio Sbaragali's style is bold and decadent rather than delicate, but beautifully presented. The cheese trolley is a whimsical highlight, but the standout dish was the squid and oscietra caviar starter – squid tartar at the base, a layer of Japanese barbecued-style squid, topped with caviar and a champagne and oyster sauce. Salty, fishy umami with a surprising crunch. The waiter said it deserved a second Michelin star; I agree.

Of the bars, the Skyview Lounge offers the best views and high-end mixology, Gilt for small plates surrounded by art-deco elegance, but my favourite by far was the UMA outdoor cocktail lounge at golden hour, while the sunset glitters off the sea and the glass high rises in the distance.

A short golf buggy ride down the causeway to the shore, brings you to Summersalt Beach Club. It's not quite feet in the sand – a violinist or DJ accompanies its fresh Latin American-style seafood – but it's probably as close as Dubai gets.

For more of a pool day, the 10,000-square-metre Terrace fans out from the base of the hotel with two outdoor swimming pools – one saltwater infinity that seems to fall off into the sea, and a freshwater pool with a swim-up bar – a manmade stretch of sand, luxury daybeds, and 32 private air-conditioned cabanas complete with minibar and TV. Have a light, Mediterranean, think Spanish / Portuguese, lunch at SAL beach club.

The spa

The Talise stands out from other luxury hotel spas in two ways. Firstly, its location on the 18th floor, soaring 150 metres above the sea and dazzled by natural light, imbues it with a sense of grandeur: this is a destination in its own right. Secondly, the decor – dramatic mosaics, candy-striped walls – tells you loudly not to ignore it in favour of pure relaxation.

It spans two storeys with separate male and female indoor infinity pools, saunas, steam rooms, plunge pools and jacuzzi and 14 luxury treatment rooms with views to kill for. But despite its size and openness to day guests, it feels peaceful and exclusive. For the more energetically minded, there is a female-only and a mixed gym, plus complimentary exercise classes, a yoga studio and personal trainers.

For those of us who take our spas seriously, each bespoke treatment mixes Arabic tradition with cutting-edge technology, contemporary wellness trends and the most upmarket products. The treatment menu is extremely expensive and although it skews a little too much towards "youth and beauty" for my liking there really is something for everyone. Fair warning: the mandatory disposable underwear is very, very small.

The verdict

The question is not whether Jumeirah Burj Al Arab offers an inconceivable level of luxury, of course, it does, but is it worth it? And who is it for? The answer: not everyone. It isn't chic or elegantly understated. It's not even particularly exclusive. It's a functional tourist attraction, with groups slinking off a tour bus to take pictures in the lobby (as you should too, if you're ever in Dubai).

If you dislike gold and gaudy, you should probably steer clear. But anyone with a fondness for panache will find themselves in a world of delight. This hotel makes no apology; it revels in its outrageous decadence. It is proudly over-the-top, filled with warmth and humour and surprisingly well-suited for kids, too. The staff are some of the kindest, most attentive I've ever encountered. Its location is unbeatable; the sheer scale of its ambition is breathtaking. If it were an animal, it would be a seven-star peacock. And if the place is decked out a bit like a Pharaoh's tomb, then this is the afterlife I'd choose.