Speed Reads

Last Night on Late Night

Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, and Seth Meyers gawk at Trump's Gitmo plan, chide bishops for 'Holy Ghosting' Biden

"A New York City Council candidate is receiving attention online after a video of him visiting a dominatrix was posted to Twitter — the whole incident was so humiliating, he gave the dominatrix an extra $1,000," Seth Meyers joked on Monday's Late Night. "According to a new book, former President Trump suggested that Americans who were abroad and infected with the coronavirus should be sent to Guantanamo Bay so the number of cases would not increase. This brings us to our new segment, 'Seth Discovers He Can Still Experience Shock.'"

"Of course the reality TV star wanted to send them to an island," Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "He probably sent a camera crew, too, and called it Survirus or something."

Yes, according to the new book, "the president wanted to send cruise ship passengers to Gitmo — so, enjoy your beach day with complementary head sack, then hit the bar for bottomless piña colada–boarding," Stephen Colbert joked, darkly, at The Late Show. The book also recounted a time Trump inadvertently called Jared Kushner an "idiot," he said. "Imagine being in that administration and someone calling you 'the idiot.' That's like being in the NBA and your nickname is 'the tall guy.'"

In Catholic news, the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops took a step last week toward trying to deny President Biden communion, Colbert said. "Yep, they're Holy Ghosting him," he deadpanned. "Now, listen. People know this, I'm Catholic, but Biden is sooo Catholic. He's the only guest I've ever spent time with backstage talking about the consolations of God and the need for daily rosary — so far! Ball's in your court, Andrew Garfield."

The U.S. bishops want to punish Biden for publicly supporting abortion rights, but "I'm not sure how serious the bishops are here — if they really wanted to punish Biden, they'd move him to a different parish and not tell anyone why they did it," Colbert jabbed. "This is a big deal for a lot of reasons, one of which is that Biden is only the second Catholic to occupy the White House, after John Kennedy. But JFK was never denied communion, because he always went to confession after banging Marylyn Monroe."

Colbert noted that the dominatrix-visiting New York council candidate's father co-created Dora the Explorer, joking that the candidate himself "created the less-popular spinoff, Marian the Disciplinarian."