If Vladimir Nabokov could play in the World Cup

The literary community is just as jazzed about the World Cup as everyone else, spawning everything from a World Cup of Literature to mini-essays pondering the eerie physical resemblance between Argentinian winger Angel Di Maria and Franz Kafka.
Not to be left out, Penguin Books has launched a Penguin Cup featuring 16 teams, all boasting canonical writers from their respective countries. Manning the goal for Russia, for example, is Vladimir Nabokov, who gets a rating of 96 out of 100 for technique and a 94 for synaesthesia. France features Marcel Proust on the wing, while Chinua Achebe occupies the number 10 position for Nigeria.
There are also some glaring omissions: Faulkner and Melville were left off Team USA in favor of far inferior players, while Australia's Socceroos are missing their mystical talisman Patrick White.
Subscribe to The Week
Escape your echo chamber. Get the facts behind the news, plus analysis from multiple perspectives.

Sign up for The Week's Free Newsletters
From our morning news briefing to a weekly Good News Newsletter, get the best of The Week delivered directly to your inbox.
From our morning news briefing to a weekly Good News Newsletter, get the best of The Week delivered directly to your inbox.
But the most formidable team, by far, is Greece, which is stacked with the likes of Sophocles, Aristotle, and Homer. Who can compete? Which brings us, inevitably, to the best soccer-intellectual mash-up of all time, Monty Python's sketch "The Philosophers' Football Match." Happy World Cup Friday. --Ryu Spaeth
Sign up for Today's Best Articles in your inbox
A free daily email with the biggest news stories of the day – and the best features from TheWeek.com
Ryu Spaeth is deputy editor at TheWeek.com. Follow him on Twitter.
-
How Canadian tariffs could impact tourism to the US
In the Spotlight Canadians represent the largest group of foreign visitors to the United States. But they may soon stop visiting.
By Justin Klawans, The Week US Published
-
Entitlements: DOGE goes after Social Security
Feature Elon Musk is pushing false claims about Social Security fraud
By The Week US Published
-
The Week contest: Amazon Bond
Puzzles and Quizzes
By The Week US Published
-
Canada beats US in charged 4 Nations hockey final
Speed Read 'You can't take our country — and you can't take our game,' Prime Minister Justin Trudeau posted after the game
By Peter Weber, The Week US Published
-
Eagles trounce Chiefs in Super Bowl LIX
speed read The Philadelphia Eagles beat the Kansas City Chiefs 40-22
By Peter Weber, The Week US Published
-
Indian teen is youngest world chess champion
Speed Read Gukesh Dommaraju, 18, unseated China's Ding Liren
By Peter Weber, The Week US Published
-
Europe roiled by attacks on Israeli soccer fans
Speed Read Israeli fans supporting the Maccabi Tel Aviv team clashed with pro-Palestinian protesters in 'antisemitic attacks,' Dutch authorities said
By Peter Weber, The Week US Published
-
New York wins WNBA title, nearly nabs World Series
Speed Read The Yankees with face the Los Angeles Dodgers in the upcoming Fall Classic
By Peter Weber, The Week US Published
-
Caitlin Clark the No. 1 pick in bullish WNBA Draft
Speed Read As expected, she went to the Indiana Fever
By Peter Weber, The Week US Published
-
South Carolina ends perfect season with NCAA title
Speed Read The women's basketball team won a victory over superstar Caitlin Clark's Iowa Hawkeyes
By Rafi Schwartz, The Week US Published
-
Iowa's Caitlin Clark breaks NCAA scoring record
speed read College basketball star Caitlin Clark set the new record in Iowa's defeat of Ohio State
By Peter Weber, The Week US Published