Why isn't John Kasich talking about his massive hands?

Donald Trump protected his reputation on Thursday night by asserting that his hands are definitely normal sized and, on the off chance any other parts of his anatomy correspond with his 100-percent normal-sized hands, then that part is certainly "no problem" either.

Which all sounds rather...defensive.

However, ever since the editor of Vanity Fair called Trump a "short-fingered vulgarian" (to which Trump protests by periodically sending said editor photos of his hands with the fingers circled in gold sharpie and the words See, not so short! scrawled alongside), a lot of effort has gone into determining the true length of Trump's digits.

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The size of Trump's hands is obviously a concern because this is the best way to pick a president (or if it isn't, at this point why not!). The Washington Post did some math and estimates Trump's fingers are about 3.7 inches long, which is normal for his height.

However, Trump sadly doesn't even have the most famous — or, um, gifted — hands among the Republican candidates. Those would belong to Ben Carson.

But then again, we're talking about size, not how you use it. After all, in the animal kingdom, crowning the alpha male comes down to display — which buck has the biggest rack, which bird of paradise can flare its massive neck feathers and dance the best?

And in that competition, it is the exclusive pride of The Week to announce that John Kasich is in fact the top dog in this competition:

"Just saying."