Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump faced off in their first presidential debate on Monday night, and "a lot of people wanted this debate to be decisive, to change something," Stephen Colbert said on Tuesday's Late Show. "And today, everyone's trying to figure out who won. Which is kind of a silly question to ask, okay? Both sides are going to say they won." But how do you prove that? "This isn't the Olympics, there are no judges," Colbert said, "and if there were, the Russians would have given Trump a 10."
In the debate, Clinton immediately tried to get under Trump's skin, and "I've gotta say, she brought the orange peeler," Colbert said. "She got in there, man, first by using her nasty new nickname for Trump," Donald. "Apparently, Donald doesn't like being called Donald, do you Donald?" he asked. Now, Trump seemed to get under Clinton's skin a bit, too, like when he provoked the Clinton shimmy, Colbert said. "She may not have pneumonia, but she is showing all the signs of dance fever." After dancing, he returned to his original question: Who won?
The markets say Clinton — the peso rose, the price of gold slumped — as did a CNN/ORC poll Trump dismissed as partisan on Tuesday's Fox & Friends, where he bragged about winning a lot of online polls, name-checking one in particular. "Yeah, he won the CBS poll," Colbert said. "That's impressive, except for the fact that CBS did not conduct a post-debate poll.... But do you know what?" he asked. "Just because it doesn't exist doesn't mean he didn't win it. He's doing very well in Narnia. He got a firm endorsement from the Lollipop Guild." Trump also blamed moderator Lester Holt and his microphone — "Yes, there was clearly something terribly wrong with his microphone," Colbert deadpanned. "I mean, who left that thing on?" — and it turns out he was proudest of the one thing he did not say. Watch below. Peter Weber
The Week
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