Speed Reads

trump stumps

Donald Trump says his speeches are so good you can't enjoy a date night at the movies anymore

Donald Trump was supposed to give a nine-sentence critique of Hillary Clinton in Pennsylvania Saturday night, but since this is Donald Trump, he gave a 25-minute rant instead. In it, Trump explained how his masterful rhetorical skill has ruined a classic date night tradition for Americans everywhere.

"Right now, you say to your wife: 'Let's go to a movie after Trump,'" he said. "But you won't do that because you'll be so high and so excited that no movie is going to satisfy you. Okay? No movie. You know why? Honestly? Because they don't make movies like they used to — is that right?"

Inevitably, this mention of the entertainment industry provided Trump the seamless transition he needed to bring up his own background as a reality TV star, a prize accomplishment he was willing to lay aside for the greater good. "Oh, I could be doing The Apprentice right now," Trump mused. "I loved it — 14 seasons. How good was that? Tremendous success. They wanted to extend — I could be doing The Apprentice now. Somehow I think this is a little bit more important. Do we agree? Just a little bit?"

Among Trump's other topics for the evening — no doubt chosen by that same impulse of selflessness — were Brexit, Bernie Sanders, the media, monitoring "certain areas" for election fraud, and whether Clinton is faithful to her husband.