Samantha Bee says she's voting for Hillary Rodham, not Hillary Clinton

Election Day is here, and "this is supposed to be our moment," Samantha Bee said on Full Frontal, in an intermittently NSFW history lesson. "Girls that were born before women could vote will have their chance to cast their ballot for a woman." And yet, she said, "none of us has gotten to savor this historic election like we should. It's been like running a marathon while a bear is chasing you — we might be really proud, but it kind of gets lost in all the mortal terror, because apparently, a critical mass of Americans find a normal, center-left policy nerd less 'likable' than a vindictive, p—sy-grabbing hate Zamboni who jokes about killing his enemies."

"Now, if you don't like how Hillary Clinton seems like a fake politician robot, here's how that happened," Bee said. "Spoiler alert: It was our fault. We created her by slowly tearing down a badass feminist named Hillary Rodham." She ran through Clinton's college career and promising future in Washington, derailed because she passed the bar exam in Arkansas and failed it in D.C. Thinking that was fate, she went to marry Bill Clinton in Arkansas — a move Bee obviously looks at askance. "If she thought a human Free to Be.... You and Me album was going to be embraced with open arms by a state where pigs are headwear, she soon learned otherwise."

Rodham was criticized for not taking her husband's name, and even after she became a Clinton and then a first lady, reporters still wouldn't let her be herself. "If I were Hillary, I would have dumped America by now, but she's terrible at knowing when to leave a relationship," Bee said, in one of her milder digs at Bill.

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"My point is, Hillary Clinton has spent the past 40 years learning to mask her authenticity, ever since the so-called Natural State couldn't accept a normal human woman in her natural state, with her own name and her brown hair and identity independent from the dude she was boning," Bee said. "Don't expect grandma to pivot on a dime now that authenticity is suddenly cool. Look, if you can't bring yourself to vote for Hillary Clinton, I get it. I'm not voting for Hillary Clinton, either. I'm voting for Hillary Goddamn Brilliant Badass Queen Beyoncé Rodham. I have a hunch she's still in there."