Speed Reads

Late Night Tackles TrumpCare

Stephen Colbert explains how the GOP's health-care plan is like Game of Thrones

Republicans finally unveiled their ObamaCare replacement bill late Monday, and the reception hasn't exactly been warm. "It took the GOP forever to release this thing," Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. "They are like the George R.R. Martins of health care — and just like in Game of Thrones, a lot of your favorite characters are going to die without warning."

After just a few days, "the bill already has enemies on all sides," including the American Health Association, AARP, and conservative groups and lawmakers, Colbert noted. Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) declared it "dead on arrival," he noted, "and Rand Paul knows 'dead on arrival,' because I believe that was his presidential campaign slogan." President Trump, on the other hand, went all-in on Tuesday, warning Republicans if they don't pass the bill they could face an electoral "bloodbath" in 2018 — "which would be terrible," Colbert said, "because their health-care plan does not cover 'bloodbath.'"

After an extended riff on the AARP's objection, Colbert touched on Russia and the strange ubiquity of Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak, then turned to Trump's plan to pay for his Mexico border wall and immigration crackdown by drawing from other security agencies, with the Coast Guard taking a notably big hit. "The Coast Guard?" Colbert asked. "Who does Trump think protects the waters around Mar-a-Lago, laser-sighted manatees?"

"Trump's paying for his immigration program by cutting funds to the Coast Guard, airport, and rail security," he said. "Great. So, we're fine as long as nobody tries to get into America by land, sea, or air. Trump's budget also cuts 11 percent in spending from the TSA." That's fine, he added, "because they're going to do more with less — because the TSA has announced they're going to start doing more invasive physical pat-downs" — apparently really intimate ones, too. "They are putting the T&A back in TSA," Colbert said. "But there's a silver lining here," he added, bringing it back home. "For the people about to lose their health care, just go to La Guardia and you can get a free prostate exam." Watch below. Peter Weber