Speed Reads

Late Night Tackles Fox News

Stephen Colbert tries to guess what Bill O'Reilly will do next, immediately regrets it

If you thought Stephen Colbert was done celebrating Bill O'Reilly's departure from Fox News, maybe you forgot the amount of time Colbert spent immersing himself in a character based on O'Reilly. But with time comes a bit of sobriety, so on Thursday's Late Show, Colbert engaged in a little happy dancing but also pleaded for his life. "It's hard to believe he's leaving," Colbert said of O'Reilly. "I mean, as the sign outside Fox News says, 'Nobody Moves This Man.' Nobody! Except for the janitor who scraped him down this morning."

"But remember, Bill still has his books, he still has his rage, and his Fox News payout worth a reported $25 million," Colbert said, looking on O'Reilly's bright side momentarily. "If you do the math, that is twice as much as they paid his accusers— Oh my god, you know what that means? Bill O'Reilly sexually harassed himself." As Colbert looked ahead to a life without The O'Reilly Factor, he wondered what O'Reilly was going to do.

To figure that out, Colbert turned to O'Reilly's 1998 novel, Those Who Trespass, which he actually dedicated to the women in his life — "or as they're affectionately known, the plaintiffs," Colbert joked. The book features a brash TV journalist, Shannon Michaels, who was fired from his network news job. When Michaels had his job taken away from him, Colbert read, he found solace in "planning and carrying out the executions of those people who had humiliated him." Seriously, if you were Colbert, you might be a little nervous reading that, too. Watch below. Peter Weber