Speed Reads

Late Night Tackles President Trump

Stephen Colbert has a theory on why Ivanka Trump needs top-secret security clearance

"There are so many investigations swirling around Donald Trump right now that R. Kelly is like, 'I'm glad I'm not that guy,'" Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show. "A majority of Americans," including 33 percent of Republicans, "think he's guilty of something," he added. "But unlike his cheeseburgers, Trump is not taking these investigations lying down."

For example, Trump is "stonewalling the congressional investigation" into Jared Kushner's security clearance, which Trump approved over the objection of his staff and intelligence agencies, Colbert said. One reason they'd said no is that Kushner had to amend his application at least 40 times because he kept leaving of foreign entanglements. "But you know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, remind them that you're married to the president's daughter," Colbert joked.

Trump reportedly stepped in to ensure his daughter Ivanka got a higher security clearance, too. "Wow, she got a top-secret security clearance? All Barack Obama's daughters got was a puppy," Colbert said. "But it makes sense, because Ivanka needs classified intel on China's human rights abuses to see if it is possible to pay her workers any less."

Colbert also dug into a New York Times report about Trump's parallel presidencies, noting a few special occasions where Trump would take a short break from public office to cut a Stormy Daniels hush-money repayment check to Michael Cohen — he flubbed the Valentine's Day check punchline, comically. "I totally believe the man would lead parallel lives — he lies so much," Colbert said. "We're eventually going to find out his secret family he has stashed in the attic of Trump Tower. And if you don't like Eric and Don. Jr., wait till you meet Derek and Ron Jeenior." You can see that "disturbing" visual below. Peter Weber