Speed Reads

last night on late night

Late night hosts pick titles for Mike Pence's memoir, catch up on Matt Gaetz's 'sextracurricular activities'

Former Vice President Mike Pence has signed a book deal, though "of course the book will be written by a ghostwriter, Mike Pence," Jimmy Fallon joked on Thursday's Tonight Show. "The book is a little different, though: There's a blank white page in the middle with the caption 'Selfie.' I'm sure there'll be a lot of talk about religion, his hopes and dreams, and then maybe a chapter about how his boss tried to murder him." Fallon suggested some titles and produced some audiobook excerpts.

Pence "signed a two-book deal with Simon & Schuster — I wonder if he knows they're a gay couple, Simon and Schuster," Jimmy Kimmel joked at Kimmel Live, offering his own title for Pence's memoir. "This will be the only time pages got whiter after words were printed on them. Speaking of wild and crazy guys," he deadpanned, "there's a new wrinkle in the ongoing drama surrounding Florida congressman Matt Gaetz," this one involving a trip he took to the Bahamas with a hand surgeon-marijuana entrepreneur and, allegedly, female escorts.

"If your hand surgeon is also a marijuana entrepreneur, probably a good idea to learn to write with your feet," Kimmel said. Joel Greenberg, another Gaetz pal who "seems to know a lot about Gaetz's sextracurricular activities, he's in hot water too," and there's now speculation he'll flip and testify against Gaetz. "Well, good luck to Matt Gaetz," he said. "Maybe he just loves Trump so much he wants to go to jail with him."

"Sex sells, so let's start with the too-hot-for-TV story that's making everyone temperature rise," Ron Paul's short jean shorts, Stephen Colbert said on The Late Show. "It all goes back to Ayn Rand's classic work of rational self-interest, Atlas Twerked." He touched on President Biden's gun control orders and surprisingly popular infrastructure bill, then landed on "the most wonderful terrible story in the news," GaetzGate.

"I know Gaetz is from Florida, but Bahama sex trafficking with weed-peddling hand surgeon is almost too Florida even for him," Colbert said. "At this point, it feels like we're just generating his crimes at random." He joked about the ganjapreneur-hand surgeon — "he can cure your carpal tunnel and turn your thumb into a bong" — and said allegations that Gaetz shared girlfriends with "wingman" Greenberg won't "win Gaetz any fans on the right. Prostitution is one thing, but that is socialism!" Peter Weber