Speed Reads

last night on late night

Late night hosts find the lighter side of Rudy Giuliani's FBI raid

"Earlier today, federal investigators raided Rudy Giuliani's Manhattan and office because of his dealings in Ukraine," Jimmy Fallon said on Wednesday's Tonight Show. "When the agents walked in, Rudy got so nervous he started sweating hair dye and tucking all the evidence down his pants. ... Yep, Rudy panicked and called his lawyer, and then when his own phone started ringing, he panicked even more."

In their raid of Giuliani's apartment and office, the FBI "reportedly confiscated laptops, cellphones, and a bunch of jars labeled 'Definitely Not Blood,'" Trevor Noah joked at The Daily Show. "Now, we don't know exactly what Rudy Giuliani's being investigated for — I mean, take your pick really," he added, but "he'd better hope the feds didn't find any overdue Blockbuster rentals."

"The FBI showed up with search warrants at 6:00 this morning, they made sure to show up at daylight, when Rudy was still asleep in his coffin," Jimmy Kimmel deadpanned on Kimmel Live. "Investigators are reportedly conducting a criminal investigation into Giuliani's dealings in Ukraine to try to dig up dirt on the Bidens on behalf of Donald Trump. And if you think he was sweating Grecian Formula before, you should see him now. He looks like a chocolate sundae. So it looks like Recount Dracula might be getting a ticket to Cancelvania. President Biden tonight gave his first address to Congress since taking office. Biden speaking before Congress while the feds are busting down Giuliani's door, this is turning into the baptism scene from The Godfather."

"Thankfully for Rudy, he strategically keeps all of his incriminating documents at various random landscaping shops," James Corden said at The Late Late Show. "I love that Rudy Giuliani's had like three months to destroy all of his evidence, and you know there's just no way he did any of that. Now I know Rudy Giuliani was a high-powered lawyer, mayor of New York City, and adviser to the president of the United States, but I still picture his office above a repair shop, right next to a palm reader's. You know they walked in and they said to the rookie FBI agent, 'All right, Johnson, we'll handle the computers, you get the empty bottles of Just For Men.'" Peter Weber